The Secrets of Lily Potter tbc
by lumos maximum
Summary: I do try but having a love no.. life is pretty hard as it is without envying my granny’s perfection and her two black-haired boys, who adored and loved her blindly. Merlin, sometimes I wish I was the luckier version of us but I'm not, I'm the flawed Lily.
1. Prologue

_[THIS STORY IS UNDER CONSTUCTION. IT'LL BE READY BEFORE JANUARY THE 13TH]_

_

* * *

The Secret of Lily Potter _is dedicated to the pain of a lost fairytale, to the hurt of a broken heart, to the sting of salty tears and to those who misses out on these feeling that makes you feel both alive and dead.

* * *

**The Secrets Of Lily Potter**

Prologue: **  
Secrets lie here**

**.**

**.**

**.**

_Her story begins long after stories written for us ends. The story starts in an attic filled with anecdotes hidden with a thick layer of dust that hides the past. The footsteps towards this attic are heavy but will the stories hidden in the thick layers of dust be even heavier to walk towards?_

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

The darkness that filled the attic in which Lily Luna Potter and Teddy Lupin were  
standing in was eliminated quickly by two wands and a synced 'Lumos' but bathing in light wasn't making it easier to stand here.

"I've never been here you know – thanks Lils for following me up" Teddy said frowning in the dark.

"Don't worry Teddy, I'm sure James or Victorie would've come too" Lily replied calmly and gazed across the room to find something to get herself interested in.

"Victorie? Not likely" Teddy paused when he stepped onto something rather clumsily. "and James has those boggart issues, really Lils… thanks"

"Teddy, we're _family"_ Lily assured Teddy for the eleventh time that day only and they stood there with wands held high and eyes fixed on the relics from the past.

The word family hurt Teddy gravely; the loss of his grandmother was the reason why they were going to spend their afternoon in this attic cleaning. Despite being thirty years old Teddy Lupin looked like the lost child Lily remembered from an especially shameful memory from her childhood when she asked her dad, Harry Potter, why Teddys father weren't taking care of him.

"Should we start?" Teddy asked.

Lily returned from her memories. "You first"

The small attic was filled with endless piles of damaged books, torn furniture and boxes stacked up to the sealing. Between coughing up her lounges and organizing the mess the attic became during the years of neglecting they seemed to be smiling both for the first time since Andormedas death. Teddy even laughed when he found one of Andormedas old hats with wild blue flowers on, it took Lily three minutes of pleading before Teddy put it on to her great amusement. The cleaning returned quickly from boring to amusing to exiting when Teddy spotted a black chest by massive oak behind a shelf with old DADA books. The chest had silver details and Runes inscriptions carved into the massive wood.

"Look at this Lily" Teddy whispered as if they were in great danger. Lily being a soon to be Auror quickly whipped her wand to prepare herself for anything that might be dark magic, or as she would put it herself, challenging magic.

"Careful Teddy, you never know what could be hidden" Lily whispered back and pointed her wand steadily. "_Anything_ could be hidden"

Teddy chuckled very unfitting and the spooky magic in the attic was broken. "You never took Accient Runes I assume Lily Potter?"

"Gordrics sword Teddy, it's Lily Luna and no, I didn't bother with Professor Grugins"

"You should have bothered you know. 'Do not fear intruder but be aware - for evil is not hidden but secrets lie here. Property of Remus Lupin' is what it says" Teddy replied with a finger following the Runes ingraved to the chest.

"Oh – I'm sorry it's just… I thought". The redness across Lilys face was hidden in the darkness but slowly her face matched the redness only found in Weasley hair.

Teddy chuckled most inappropriate again and stroke his finger towards the chests lock and it clicked in an instance to reveal its content. "She knew that he knew" was all Teddy whispered and somewhere Lily assumed that he spoke about his deceased father.

Teddy had a very emotional moment in front of the belongings of his father. The massive oak hid a few robes that were dressy, a wedding gown that belonged to his bride assumingly, a Lunascope that showed the moons phases, a few stacks of photos of Remus Lupin as a young boy with his friends though the ages, a very charming photo of the widely known Nymphadora Tonks and two books that were wrapped in thin silk.

"Much for secrets - look at your granddad, he looks just like Uncle Harry" Teddy said and shoved a stack of photos of a man that Lily could have mistaken for her own father.  
Teddy and Lily laughed through the whole collection of anecdotes until Teddy removed the thin silk from the two books wrapped, the oldest book was about werewolves but the other book made Teddy gasp dramatically for air.

Lily felt the excitement rush along with the dramatic gasp. "What now Teddy?"

The air Teddy inhaled was blown back towards the book to reveal the words hidden by the dust history had laid on it. Lily Luna gasped too; there in smirk golden letters across a black, beaten book were a sentence with a name that she was quite familiar to.

The secrets of Lily Potter

**.**

**.**

**.**

_Yes, the story begins here, long after those written for us ends but it's not my story to tell, not this time. You know what Merlin said about stories, don't you? Let me remind you, and I quote Merlin like many before me did. He said, "Stories that been heard are stories of great value but stories that have never echoed loudly are valuable antics". So there are two stories to be told or one really. It's Lily's story, and it begins here._

**.**

**.**

**.**

**

* * *

**

Review, oh sweet one  
_Lumos Maximum_


	2. I: Not Your Secrets

Okay, after the Prologue we get onto the nasty stuff like the disclaimer and such so stay with me.

**Disclaimer: **As a ritual, I start by saying that I do not, and will never, own any characters that have any connection to the work of J.K Rowling (She will enter heaven like a saint for her brilliant Harry Potter saga). Also, good to add --- My first language is Swedish so do correct me if you find errors (although I have spell-check and a reasonably good grammar according to my English teacher). And finally but most importantly I hope you _enjoy_ the story I'm trying to tell.

**Story:** The Secrets of Lily Potter  
**Author:** Lumos Maximum  
**Rating:** T  
**Shipping's:** Severus Snape/Lily Evans, James Potter/Lily Evans and Lily Luna/Original Characters  
**Eras:** Focuses on Next Generation and The Marauders era  
**Add:** Canon fic. Not OOC nor AU -- just my way of seeing it.  
_Favorite Maurd. Era chapter -- Reflections  
Favorite NextGen chapter -- Dame in Distress_

So, now that the unnecessary part is over, let's do this. Let's make this story happen.

.

* * *

I:  
**Not your secrets**

My name is Lily Luna, I am twenty one, right handed, fond of food and extremely uninteresting and oh, this is my story. It starts here I guess, in the same room where my hero lives, in a rather boyish room a floor above a loud joke shop. James Sirius Potter was always my hero, perhaps because his brown eyes and his twisted smile, not so different from my own, screamed mischief and boldness. I wished that my eyes didn't look that mischevious (although I was certain that they did) and that I was black haired instead of flaming red like my mother (Ginny Potter if you don't read the Daily Prophets Sports page) but mostly I wished that I was smart, like my brother Albus Potter or courageous like my father, Harry Potter but I was like my brother James through and through. Stupidly brave perhaps but never backing down from a challenge. That's why, here in the beginning of my story I felt less a sudden disappointment towards James Potter, who I saw as myself, when he looked upon me with his brown eyes with the… item in his hand shaking.

"I don't know what to do with this Lily," James said with his eyes widen.

"Well – I can't ask Dad or Mum and Albus is well, _Albus_" I told him rather unpleased.

"Yeah – he will definitely tell Mum. But I don't dare open it" James told me with the inherited hesitation from our father.

"Are you afraid?" I provoked.

James narrowed his eyes at the word _afraid_ and took it as a personal insult. My item or to be more specific, the book that contained the secrets of Lily Potter, stayed put in James hand but his mouth moved without letting words out. The small bedroom that James had been living in since his late teens in fell silent but the sounds of the wild and successful joke shop downstairs made the silence bearable.

"So?" I pushed and James eyes narrowed a bit more while examining the book he held."Are you afraid?"

"Yes" James told me stiffly after a minute of silence and seriousness in his eyes.

I absorbed his uncharacteristic confession. "What?"

"Yes, I am afraid. I have a bad feeling about this," was all James said to me and dropped the book on the floor like it burnt him badly.

I knew what feeling he was talking about, that's why I had refused to do anything with the book after stealing it when Teddy went on and on with werewolf stories in the attic a week ago. Shamefully I thought that if James had been brave enough to open this book that gave me a different kind of emotion down my spine surely I could too.

"Don't be silly" I said, knowing that it was not silly at all. The book was pretty creepy overall.

"I remember this amazing girl, Horsia O'Donnell, really good looking, slim and funny."

"Oh – James"

"Listen, this beautiful girl was a Ravenclaw, too clever for well – my good. So Freddy stole her diary from her schoolbag a couple of days after the Yule Ball and well, I won't lie to you Lilykins. I might have done some _things_ with her that Yule Ball."

I frowned at the teasing nickname he used and at the _things _he referred to. "Please lie James"

"That's not the point. I got hold of my diary and the secrets there… " James continued but lowered his voice.

'…what? Did she write of how handsome you looked in your dress robes because I highly doubt that you would have any problem with that." I snapped.

"It was more how handsome I looked _without_ my dress robes." James said laughing.

I fixed my eyes on his to slowly try to kill him with the fire in my eyes. The book was still on the floor and I was curious of how to open it. "Get to the point."

"Right... well, despite hearing of how handsome I am I also got a permanent lesson in not reading anybody's secrets. They are someone else's and intruders get scared by the secrets weight."

The bedroom door flung open and behind it stood a woman I've always been fascinated with. She had a slim body, wild, black hair and black eyes that somehow held light in them. Both James and I snapped out of our slightly private conversation and stood up scared without any reason. The remarkable woman's voice was firm and reminded both James and me about our own mothers' strict tone.

"What are you doing up here? The shop is going crazy without you!"

"Ehm – right. I'm coming love," James replied but slowly started to move his foot towards the black book dropped on the floor.

""Good and get those Dirt-on-Nose from the storage will you?" Her facial expression softened in an instant and her tone became a calm and almost soothing voice. "Well, hi Lily"

"Hi Horsia," I replied without looking enviously at Horsia wild black hair but instead focused on the book down by James feet that slowly got pushed away to a safe spot under the bed. Horsia saw the quick – but not too quick – movement James did and her tone went back to being firm and strict again.

"Busted" was all Horsia said and the defeated face of James was proof enough that the secret of _The Secrets of Lily Potter_ wasn't going to be held to ourselves any longer.

"It's a family matter" James told Horsia but two steps later Horsia held the book in my hands and gave James two pairs of evil eyes. Horsia was basically our family so James comment wasn't of any good – I could even have sworn that James talked with Dad about his future proposal.

"What are you doing with Lily's diary anyways, didn't you learn you lesson from the painful scars?" Horsia demanded.

"Scars?" I asked Horsia and James gave Horsia a pleading look.

"Haven't James told you the story of the day he stole my diary" Horsia asked amused.

"Well, that isn't a secret I'm willing to share!" James let out.

"And still you tried to get to Horsias!" I shot back and Horsia laughed at James muttering about Fred and girls.

Horsia crashed down at the bed,"Fred stole my diary one day and James tried to open it, to his great misery. What he didn't know was that I had hexed my diary to scar someone who dared to come into my private area"

James interrupted by laughing at this.

"Moving on _James. _When he tried to open it, he lied and my badly done charm hurt him severely. But if he read it… well, it would have scared him for every page of secrets he dared to read."

"I would never dare Horsia, you know that!" James interrupted again. Horsia kissed him at the temple and smiled, still asking James what he did with my diary.

"It isn't mine, I don't know how to open it" I admitted and I expected a scolding but Horsias love for mischief's was as strong as her boyfriends. Without asking questions, a trait in a woman that fitted James too good, she took the book and let her wand move quickly against the golden sentence across the black book and then let her hand rest on the words that started to glow and out of them the warmest tone of a woman revealed itself to the three of us.

"_Is this a book that belongs to you?_" said the voice that sounded so surreal and familiar at once. I felt the warmth of the voice consume my.

"Yes"  
"_Lie again and you will see. What is your name?_ "  
"Horsia O'Donnell"  
"_These are not your secrets to read, do you agree?_"  
"Yes" Horsia said firmly.  
"_Then leave it from where it came_"

The glow of words faded away to the now pale gold. James looked bitterly at Horsia and then the book. "And that's how you open a charmed diary; do not insult it by lying twice or by simply being the enemy of the secrets" Horsia said with a vicious look at James and handed the book to me that felt consumed by the diary woman's warm tone.

The magic in the room was interrupted by a too loud bang and a cheer from young boys and girls downstairs. "Damnit James! The shop" and Horsia left in an instance. We fell quiet, both thinking of the warm voice from the diary.

"I'll return it to Teddy tomorrow, that's where it came from" I said after a minute of considering the book and the warnings Horsia did before leaving to rescue the pieces left of the shop. James Potter's eyes however glowed with the bad look of mischief and when Horsia was yelling fiercely downstairs I saw his baldness creep out. James stole the book from my clutching hands, grabbed his wand from the nightstand and prepared himself by rolling up his sleeves.

"What are you doing James?" I burst out, slightly provoking on purpose.

"Well – its grannies right?" James said grinning.

"So?" I said.

James grin grew bigger. "So, it's _my_ secrets to read"

I, Lily Luna, had a bad feeling about this just for the record but the brain behind the glowing eyes of James Sirius Potter was unstoppable.

****

* * *

The story is getting there, don't worry.  
What will happen now -- I know, but do you? _  
__Oh, Review and do guess._


	3. II: Scar and Soul

II:  
**Scar and Soul**

.

"_Is this a book that belongs to you?_" said the voice from the book again. I assumed that this was the voice of Lily Potters, my grandmother. In awe and fascination I listened to the voice filling the small room we were in and James Potter, the fool had opened the book that challenged him with a mix of desire and dishonesty.

"Yes" James said grinning. This was a bad idea; I knew by Horsias warnings that lying wouldn't take him far but James epic stupidity wasn't put aside.

"_Lie again and you will see. What is your name?_ "

"James Potter" James said proudly and got interrupted by a change in the warm voice of Lily Potters.

"_These are not your secrets to read enemy, do you agree?_"

"Well…" James said too cocky according to me and proceeded with the same tone. "No"

"_Lily Potter gives the James Potter an early apology and wishes the toerag less pain than he deserves_"

The book blazed loudly and both James and my questioning voices drowned in the sound. The room turned dark and somewhere through the black fog that spread in the room was a scream from James that sounded petrified and heart wrenching. I grabbed my wand, mumbling spells that made me quickly to locate James but finding the source of the scream didn't do much in the fog. What felt like an hour was only a stair away obviously because Horsia busted the door open and shrieked somewhere in the dark. Horsias panicking mumbled a wave of spells without any second thoughts and the disappearing darkness revealed a hurt James on the floor with eyes wide open.

"James!" Horsia and I echoed but me with fear in my voice and Horsia with rage.

The tiny cuts across James pale face and tensed arms started to bleed slowly. The different healing spells both Horsia and I mumbled didn't make anything better; to be honest somehow we made it worse. James looked horrified at the book only a meter away from him and then at Horsia that understood in an instance.

"It's not like _your_ diary. This hurts badly Horsia" James moaned to Horsia with eyes shut to block out my frightened expression.

"Throw it away Lily. Do you understand?" Horsia told me and took James into her arms.

I understood and knew that this was dark magic; I had been a training Auror and the daughter of Harry Potter long enough to spot what was dark and what was mean magic. But somehow I couldn't understand why Lily Potter, the mother of the wizard world hero Harry Potter would use any dark magic – especially on her own grandson James. I shoved the book displeased and nodded sympathetically towards Horsia but when I met James eyes I knew that he thought the same about the pain and the confusion of our grandmother knowing dark magic.

"Don't tell dad that granny... Just don't tell dad" James moaned again, still bleeding through the small cuts that seemed to appear closer to each other.

"Granny? Oh, Merlin James, you're about to lose it and go loony!" Horsia let out desperately. "I agree, _go Lily_. I will summon Harry. He might know what to do… oh, James."

"Lily, please destroy it" was all James said before I Apparated away to the first place I could think off.

I was in a sterile white flat with a lot of boxes and a few pieces of furniture, I was home.

.

.

The night fell outside and around me but I sat still in my sofa consumed by thoughts about James, Albus, my mother and

About family.

If it was an ordinary night I would be down at the local pub and listen to the drunken muggles stories about love, war, choices and redemption. Like in the muggle movies I would sip slowly from a bottle of muggle-beer while a lonely soul confined me in the darkest stories and secrets they had and all thanks to the mix of the security of a stranger and the buzz of the numerous drinks consumed that same night. I didn't admit my muggle bar habits because no one would ever believe me if I said that I was only sipping muggle beer to listen to stories.

The truth was that I loved to listen to their tragedies and their successes even if I didn't know who the person was, this was a trait that I had inherit from my granddad Arthur Weasley who always took time to listen even if it was unreasonable. The things I wouldn't do right now for a cold beer in my hand, the weight of muggle problems and the occasional glances from the cute boy with the French accent that served the alcohol. The only reason that I stayed put in my flat, almost frozen to the spot was the guilt I felt towards James and the events that occurred earlier that day. That, and the appealing feeling I felt towards the book and the owner of that soft voice.

_Lily, please destroy it.  
Lily, please destroy it.  
Lily, please destroy it._

James voice echoed in the small flat but I couldn't simply destroy the book, it was not _right. _There was something about that small, beaten book that intrigued me and in some weird way it belonged with me. Well, it was actually mine to keep now, wasn't it?

_Lily, please destroy it.  
_No, I couldn't do that – destroy an item from the past – it was wrong. I could try to open it; not lying foolishly of course but telling the book that I was indeed Lily Luna, the granddaughter of the owner. I would be successful in one out of three questions at least but if the same thing happened to me as to James. _James. _

_Lily, please destroy it._

I ignored the voice of pleading that echoed and decided that a Gryffindor had more braveness in her than this. I was going to find out why the book was drawn to me and that was final. That was final.

_Lily, please destroy it._

"Oh, shut up you – I won't!" I yelled to an invisible James and all the sudden I left my living room to grab the bag from the hall and went to my bedroom.

The bedroom was the only thing in the flat that had been slightest decorative, it held a bed with white linen, a desk where I did most of my studying and dreaming in front of the window, a small bookshelf next to the desk and a wardrobe with all my clothes. My odd fascination with muggle stories showed on the various children and muggle books stacked at bookshelf and my messiness displayed itself on all the pieces of clothing on the floor instead of being safe and sound in my wardrobe. The only thing that was the slightly tidy in this room was the cage on the bedroom floor that belonged to my absent owl Noctua. Insensitively enough I turned my bag upside-down to find Lily Potters book in a mess of mascaras, joke shop items and Knots and then shoved the papers that covered my desk to put it in the middle. The light from the lamppost outside shined through the window enough to lit the book up for me so I could examine what I was so drawn to.

It looked like any small diary or journal, somewhat thinner in size and somehow more beaten than it should have been. There was nothing extraordinary with it except the fact that it was Lily Potters, my namesakes and also my grandmothers and that earlier that day it had hexed James beyond any hex I've ever seen.

_Lily, please destroy it._

I grabbed my wand and followed Horsias example, slowly letting my fingers run across the writing on the book and waiting for the sound of warmth that swooped my off my feets.  
"_Is this a book that belongs to you?_" said the voice I had been waiting for. I considered my answer carefully before replying. There was no place for errors without James or Horsia nearby.

"No"

"_What is your name?_"

"Lily Luna" told the book by habit.

"_These are not your secrets to read, do you agree?_"

"Yes" I admitted and the book left its secrets unrevealed.

_Bugger _I thought and stood up in my room with the book on my desk teasing me with its calm look. _This might help_, I thought when walked in circles trying to decide what to do with the book when my eyes gazed longingly at a photo I had forgotten to put up on the window sill.

There we were next to the tree one Christmas not too long ago, Photo-James – tall, dark and handsome if he could describe himself by his own words next to Albus Potter with the knitted sweater with the initials "AP" to mark him out. Photo-Albus was pulling on his sweater and beamed with his famous green eyes. Our mother, my mother Ginny Potter hugged James tightly when he tore the gift-wrap around his new broom. The Holly Head Harpie superstar and the youngest surviving fighter in the Battle of Hogwarts recorded shoved a "JP" sweater at photo-James to his big disappointment and started to examine Photo-James new broom. Ginnys fame as the savior of woman Quiddich spread over seas but if there was a name that beat Ginny Potters I knew that it was my fathers. There, next to a jealous photo-Albus was the famous Harry Potter, the chosen one, the boy who lived, the savior of the wizard society and without the muggles knowing it my father, Harry Potter was the savior of the world. I looked at the photo-Harry comforting photo-Albus with such and ease and then handing my photo-self a package that I knew contained one knitted sweater just like the one Albus got. Even if James, Albus and I fought daily to live under the shadow of Harry we knew that he didn't chose it and he didn't deserve all those things he had to suffer, still I hated to be the daughter of the famous Potter, not my father but the greatness that came with it. The little photo-Lily opened a lilac sweater with the initials"LL" and hugged her little photo-Dad tightly; this photo was my absolute favorite because this was a capture of my independence day.

_"You are fine as just Lily" _had Dad whispered in my ear during our tight hug.

I remembered that Christmas to be the one where I finally realized that I was fine being nothing more than _just_ Lily.

These were the Potters; solid, loyal, brave, special and togetmy. It was hard to be anything but a mark of a man that cheated death but as my whole family smiled in the frame I admitted that they all looked heroic to me; James Potter, Albus Potter, Ginny Potter, Harry Potter and I, Lily Luna.

The hours lost in memories of a photo and lonely stars appearing on the midnight blue sky was the amount of time it took before I realized how I was thinking, it was so foolish.

I was fine as just _Lily_ but I was and had always been a Potter, I was Lily Potter.

---

"_Is this a book that belongs to you?_"

"No"

"_What is your name?_ "

"Lily Potter"

"_These are your secrets to read, do you agree?_"

"Y-yes"

The book stung my index finger and I drew it away quickly to suck on it when I realized that the blood that left my finger wasn't leaving a trace on the book but somehow got sucked into the mix of black and gold. Seconds later I gasped just like I did the first time I saw the book in the attic a week ago. The cover of the book flung open and revealed letters from a different type of hand than the writing on the cover. The ink that the words were written by was a mix of blood red and poison green but somehow mixed as good and as bad as Slytherins and Gryffindors did.

"This Contains fractions of Lily Evans _soul" _I read out loud from the tidy written sentence that didn't have the feminine touch as the sentence on the cover of the book.

"Lily Evans _soul" _I repeated.

**.**

**.**

**.**

_How would our little story teller know that the poison green of Slytherin with the blood red from Gryffindor has been a natural blend from the start, it was inked in timelessly against the beige page in the little black book and was everlasting like the rivalry that defined those houses. She might never understand that Slytherins passion and Gryffindors boldness was how a woman, long before her age defined the reasons to live. It was only natural that the poison green of Slytherin and the blood red of Gryffindor would forever hold and contain fractions of Lily Evans Potters soul. _

**_._**

**_._**

**_._**

* * *

Reviews are fuel. Broom, broooooom!


	4. III: Offspring's

III:**  
Offspring's**

**

* * *

  
**

**.  
**

The poison green with the blood red was inked in to the page for what I thought was a century ago. Still it didn't fade away as normal ink did or lose its glitter as everlasting ink did. If there was a better word for what the ink looked like against the beige page I would use it but the vocabulary of Lily Luna explained it as glowing. I sat in front of the book, page still open, with admiration and fear.

Fractions of Lily Evans _Soul._

Fractions of souls, the reason my father fought his whole teen life and the reason he still fights bad dreams, scars and unwanted fame. Small fractions of something bigger and more evil than anything _barely _living was the reason of pain for so many all those years ago and today still, not just my father's but Teddy that grew up without his parents and even Uncle George that lived like a half.

But here they were; fractions, pieces, small traces of something that didn't live.

Lily Potters fractions were inked in, glowing unnaturally like poison and blood. James was right, I had to destroy the book but it slowly consumed me and wanted me to touch the page. I had been taught properly by my mother and I knew better than to disobey the elder, even if they were dead so I let my fingers play on the beige page to try to absorb the history the page hid but my instincts feared to touch the words; maybe I would just look it through? Read something about the 70s and 80s that Lily Potter lived in and then return the book to the attic next to the werewolf book and pretend that I never stole such an intriguing book?

No, see, I don't work like that. I never rethink, I didn't think when I moved into this flat, I didn't think when I skipped the Divination O. too snog a seventh year Slytherin behind the oak-trees, I didn't care much for listening to my mother's ranting about being a Auror and I certainly didn't think when I got a muggle tattoo inked in, you know what forget the last part, forget everything! Point is, I never rethink or think for that matter. I feel and I act.

The book however didn't agree with my choice to act, I wanted to turn the page to have a look through but stuck to the first page where the sentence about Lily Potters soul was inked in. The thoughts of a Horcrux avoided my mind constantly, there was no chance. No change at all, that would mean that Lily Potter killed somebody, splitted her soul and mostly _lived._  
But I was a dumb Auror and a according to myself a reasonable woman so therefore I touched the glowing words, knowing that something would happen but somehow it was meant to be.

.

_Soul._

Soul was the last thought that ran through my head when a weird sensation came rushing from my index finger through the rest of my body. It felt like my veins were filling up with thick and warm goo. I had the feeling of hovering outside my body with the warm goo that filled me up but that changed in a split second. I felt almost sick by the suction towards the book and felt all the limbs twitching and then dropping highly uncomfortable towards with my room dissolving around me into a fast rushing mix of darkness. My vivid red hair covered my eyes and blocked the sight but when I finally landed on something that I assumed was solid I felt a pain that made my lose my breath and feel dizzy. And then a thousand memories, a lifetime of compressed memories rushing through my veins and passing through my body with the warm goo. When I dared open my eyes I saw a life time of memories that wasn't my treasures, they flashed in front of my eyes and in my mind, no not in front of me. Through me.

It all happened so fast and so realistically but still like a dream; I spotted the young girl that I knew was my grandmother. Lily Evans hugged a mother, a father, a sister and smiled. She rode a bicycle, sat on a swing, read a book, played, met a dark haired boy, shopped in a crooked street; she sat on a train, cried, laughed and fell in love. The memories didn't stop, Lily Evans met another boy, fought, did magic, cried, rode a train, cried, met a dark haired boy, smiled, lived, feared, met a dark haired boy, cried, smiled and the memories were dripping of poison green and colored by blood red. The memories rushed through me in a fraction of second; the smell of cotton candy, man perfume, sweat, flowers and baby mixed with the sight of Lily Evans in different ages and moods confused I until the memories flashed with the same artificial green that I feared dearly and real world somehow pulled my out from the books grip back to my safe home.

The book was closed and I was lying in the floor of my bedroom exhausted and seconds away from passing out. Seconds.

.

.

.

"Hullo" said a voice I recognized from some farfetched memories.

I tried to open my eyes to meet the owner of the voice but the sun burnet them teary so I decided that whoever trespassed my flat could stay a minute longer in my darkness.

"Oi, Lils" said the voice again.

I heard a lot of activity in my room from the owner of the voice but I refused to react. What use did it make anyway?

"Lily Potter!"

"Merlin – Its Lily Luna" I spat and opened my eyes against my will to spot a grinning brown haired man standing above my head with something that I hoped I mistook as a cup of water tilting against my face.

I didn't mistake the evilness."Hugo!"

"Morning sunshine, muggle bar night? Geez, you really know how to let yourself go" Hugo Weasley answered behind his roars of laughter.

It was not before I sat up I realized that I spent my night on the floor.

"What am I doing on the floor?" I asked Hugo and somehow he found this more amusing.

"That is a story I thought you were going to tell me" he answered teasingly and left me on the floor without even offering me a hand.

"Hey Hugo?" I yelled out to the living room where I heard Hugo turning on the TV.

"Yeah?" Hugo yelled back before a sound of broken glass and a numerous of curses that Hugo inherited from my Uncle Ron filled the living room.

I smirked, viciously. "You're an arse"

.

.

.

The dim light of the candle at the bar was annoyingly dousing. Maybe it was the mix of Hugos typical Sunday night session of talking about wonders of Herbology and the wonders of his current girlfriend. The bar that shifted in different kinds of wood and the same green that the pool table had felt like a place more accepting than home. In here I was just Lily; the regular with the fire-red hair, beer obsession and the only one feminine enough for the ladies room, except the mascara wearing guy with the gorgeous red heels I had my eyes on all night. The wooden clock was long past midnight and the candle flickering towards its end was so dousing…

"Are you listening Lils?" Hugo asked again and I provided with a nod to encourage him to continue his monologue. I wasn't this bad of a best friend to Hugo normally but I couldn't stop thinking about last night; the memories that I so selfishly stole and the feeling of waking up on the floor unsatisfied by a nights rest. I was still worried about the dark magic that hit James only two nights ago and the fractions of a soul, the pieces of a whole that shouldn't be torn apart. If of course that was what the book implied.

The simplicity in sipping a beer next to Hugo was stolen away from my, all because of a diary. I tried to listen as Hugo continued about his love and the dilemmas that came with one too many shots in his hand and his babble made me think of the true, non fame related and almost painful but real love we children of Potter weren't allowed to feel being Wizarding celebrities.

"How are Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione?" I interrupted finally.

Hugo that was busy in describing the anatomy of his girl friend, to the guys next to him great excitement and cheers."Fine I guess because there's not fighting. It's a good day today"

"They're perfect" I admitted dreamily. The way Ron and Hermione played and fought was an art that few had the opportunity to find and that the whole Weasley clan admired.

"As I said… it's a good day today" Hugo shot back, clearly not seeing their fighting as love.

I hesitated with my bad remark about his one-nighters but changed my mind instead. "I'm sorry it's just that I thought…"

"That my relationships would be like that? Don't you think that _we_ could be as good as _them_?" Hugo shot even harder.

"_We_ are not _them"_ I told Hugo stiffly.

"Potter, Potter, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Dad, mum, uncle. That's what _she_ talks about all the time. _She_ doesn't date _me_ – _She_ dates my bloody parents!" Hugo yelled and slammed his shot glass against the wooden bar. I knew what he was talking about, bitterly enough I had dated a lot of guys that dreamed of meeting the brave hero or the gorgeous athlete.

"Enough with the alcohol Hugo, let's go home." I told him assuring, still boiling with rage towards Hugos girlfriend for hurting him and for the world treating us like floo centers to our parents fame.

The bartender looked apologizing towards me for slipping Hugo one drink to many and with that we left the bar. The cold that hit my face when I stepped out followed by a cursing Hugo was awakening. We walked towards my building and I knew that it was a fact that Hugo was spending the night on my couch or even on my bathroom floor if he didn't make it to the couch in time. The street in its emptiness was as uncomforting but beautiful like any Sunday night I spent with Hugo at the bar; drinking away in anonymity but somehow Hugo broke the beauty of the night.

"We go here to avoid it you know that don't you?" Hugo said frowning.

"Avoid what Hugo?" I said pointlessly because I knew already.

"Don't be silly, I am a Weasley – I can't imagine being a _Potter"_

Hugo was too much like Uncle Ron with his killing sincerity but bad timing.

"It's bad" I told Hugo sincerely.

"Went down to Hogsmeade last week, wanted to drink away – god what was her name, anyways – ended up with discussing a war I never fought with guys cheering me on like I was my bloody parents" Hugo said frowning and stopped in the middle of the empty street with his arms stretched out from both sides of his body.

"And still you aren't Lily Potter, you wouldn't even know hard it is to be a Potter" I snapped at Hugo for standing with arms stretched out but mostly for even thinking that he had it bad.

Hugo, just like any Weasley wore his emotions on his sleeve, I would know – my rage was always bubbling on the surface because of the Weasley genes, but Hugo sulked, "I'm married with the poster-people for love but skips from skirt to skirt like a bad record… and you say that being a Potter is bad"

I scoffed. "You don't know anything about being a shadow, not living up to expectations. I mean it's really, really bad."

Hugo yawned.

"You're not me! You are Hugo. There is no other Hugo, just you!" I added fiercely, not allowing Hugo to feel any more tortured than my. I thought of Lily Potter in the middle of my rant towards Hugo, in the middle of the street with the alcohol heating up my insides along with my anger of being just another Lily. A Lily that didn't quite measure up.

"It's easier Lils. To be Hugo, just Hugo. Not Hugo the son of Ron Weasley, superhero. Not Hugo the son of Hermione Weasley, library" Hugo told my behind his new hiccups. We've reached the building rather quickly I realized and I fumbled with my keys as I answered him. "Exactly" but I smiled at the thought of my Aunt Hermione being referred to as a library.

"You are a Weasley so you're slightly lucky but… I know Hugo. Believe me." I added when I pushed him up the stairs.

Hugo looked at me a while before pursuing his goal of annoying me. "I knew that you would Lily, that's why you are my best friend Lily _Potter"_

"Lily Luna" I snapped at him while leading him up to my door, 4F. I knew he was provoking me by using that name.

"See? You always do that" Hugo said, laughing too loud for his own good. "You go around and snap when they call you Lily Potter but you are her, you are a Potter, you are _you"_

"I'm not her, I am surely not him, I, am me" I hissed and unlocked the door with my wand after making sure that the nosy muggle from 4D wasn't around.

"That's what I said; you're Lily Potter, the new version. Everybody knows that." Hugo said smartly. "And so you know, I never brought up your father – you did"

I felt lightening strike inside my body at Hugos careless explanation. I am simply a new version.

"_We_ are not like _them"_ Hugo added out loud when I pushed him into the flat to release some newfound anger towards my best friend.

"Really? How are we?" I asked Hugo annoyed while unzipping my jacket.

"We are cowards, spoiled, not heroic, shadows." Hugo yelled from the living room he managed to get to while I was busy with my high heels. There was a crash on the couch and the standard curses before Hugo added,  
"They are heroes, they lived, fought and spilled blood for love and we are simply their drunken and underachieving offspring's"

I sighted to myself in the hallway. I thought of my family and the glimpses of life I stole from the brave Lily Potter last night and knew that Hugo was right; they were heroes, all of them. Lily Potter had lived normally, not like the Potter-Weasleys with anything from their birthday pictures to their achievement covering front page on every leading wizard newspaper and she had sacrificed herself for her son. Her son in return had sacrificed himself for the world and what have I done? Nothing of importance to anyone; just drinking beer and complaining about being a part of their heroism. It was easier to steal Lily Potter's memories, live in her era and not be this"new" version of Lily Potter. I could just learn to be that one that they missed – the one they already assumed that I was.

"Drunken bloody offspring's, that's what we are Potter" Hugo yelled again with traces of sleep in his voice. "Drunken bloody offspring's"

"I know" I answered a few minutes later to a Hugo that had passed out.

.

.

.


	5. IV: 30, October 1980

IV:**  
30, October 1980**

**

* * *

  
**

Hugos snores shook the walls into my bedroom, he would blame the noise on the alcohol most of the times but it was unreasonable noise. Hugos snores kept disturbing me in my sleep but the truth was that I couldn't stop thinking of my namesake. After a particularly loud snore even for being Hugo I sat up in me bed, red hair in a tangled mess and brown eyes sleep drunken and puffy. The blazing headache from sitting up too fast made me numb neck up.

"Hugo," I screamed while punching my hands angirly against the madras but got nothing as return.

_Bollocks. _

Secretly, very secretly I might add, I was content with Hugos familiar noise a wall away from me and let my gaze rest on the desk to the left. _The Secrets of Lily Potter_, a book I found over a week ago and still hasn't got my interest to fade away was softly lit up by the small lights of the night. I was a quarter drunk, a quarter sleepy, a quarter curious and a quarter bold when I sat in front of the book, opened it as I did the previous night and stared at the words that consumed me last night. The difference tonight was that the book allowed me to flip through the book. It was relatively thin to be a diary but when I read the dates one by one I realized that this was not a normal diary. The dates were often spread far away from each time and I even found a page with a date and only a sentence across the whole page but closed my eyes quickly before I grasped what it stood. I remember something Aunt Hermione used to say to us when we rushed her to reading a story quicker, "books were supposed to be read from the start," she used to say and I admitted that she was (always) right. The book followed my ways of thinking somehow and led me to the first written on page after a few blanks. I assumed that this was the first entry in the diary but the date stated differently.

_"30, October 1980"_

I read out loud from the book but stopped at the date, realizing that this was the last entry before the first Lily Potters death, only a day maybe even hours before her famous death. The date glowed in poison green and blood red but the letters beneath were ink black so I proceeded.

_  
"When I write this I am afraid…"_

The familiar suction towards the book made me just as sick as the first time and I felt all the limbs twitching just as horribly with the sensation of floating highly uncomfortable. My tangled hair covered my eyes and blocked the sight but when I finally landed on something I assumed was solid I saw a sight that made me lose my breath.

Without even touching the green and red mix I had entered in some kind of world alternative universe or scene from a movie. Only inches in front of me was a family of three in a living room couch. Slowly I realized that this entry in the diary wasn't written here but this was a memory pre 30 October 1980. This was an ordinary day and there in the sofa were my grandmother, grandfather and my own father playing, laughing, and not even knowing that someday too soon they would be visited by an evil beyond anything else that would change their lives and end their lives forever. A warm voice continued where I left off in the diary to my shock.

.

_"Not of death because they are many I would give my life to without thinking. I am afraid that my days haven't been lived to the fullest. I have loved and I have lived. It's just if there is something more magical than magic, how much I even doubt it, I hope that it would take us out of this mess"_

_._

I felt like an intruder to this moment but could tear myself away from it. It was easy to spot the young Lily Potter in the maroon sofa that was the center of the light yellow room and it felt like looking at my own reflection. Lily was in her early twenties, just like me, but I thought she was very pretty with the same thick dark red hair as my mum and me framing her soft, motherly features. Her lips were light pink and her cheeks were twisting to hide the small smile that wanted to creep up across her lips. Lily's eyes were closed at the moment, probably to preserve a mental image of this moment right there on the couch. When Lily finally decided to open her eyes to meet my curious eyes the blazing green that Albus and Harry had been so known for was glittering of joy and warmth. The greens stared at me like they knew that I stood there observing, intruding the moment they shared and then her greens moved lazily to her husband James Potter next to her and watched him lift the little baby high up towards the skies. In fear I stepped back to hit the coffee table that stood in front of the sofa. For a second I thought I felt pain but was uncertain. The table was a mix of dream and reality; to lose to be a dream but too vivid to not be considered as a reality. I observed the table for a while to try to decide if I was in some alternative universe or in a really messed up drunken dream before a baby's laughter reminded me of the scene only inches away.

They couldn't sense me or know that I was here I reasoned and started to look towards the source that caused the baby's laughter to fill the living room. My granddad James Potter looked exactly like my brother James S. Potter with the messy black hair, the round Potter glasses and the twisted smile of mischief. The only difference was that James Potter was but a bit shorter, a bit thinner and looked somewhat more tired and worn out than I had ever seen my brother. His body shape reminded me about my own father that was only the baby in this world. I was shocked when I heard the dark voice of my grandfather, much like my own dad but without the uncertainties or hesitation he had. His voice was filled with pride and kindness but had a hint of adult superior in the tone that dad didn't have and James Potter in this memory was only in his young twenties in this memory when my dad had to be millions…

"Look at him," James said proudly to Lily while lifting up baby-Harry to the skies.

"He is perfect," Lily replied towards the baby-Harry that giggled so innocent.

This moment, like stolen from one of Aunt Hermiones muggle movies, made me shiver down my spine and then Lily Potters voice started to fill the memory.

.

_"James and I are bored, stuck and we miss being able to take Harry outside from this house. And Harry, my sweet baby Harry. He can't hide forever. If there is something there – please guard our Harry and one day, when this is all over. I will smile and James too. We will be safe and happy again."_

_._

"He has your beautiful eyes Lily," James said to the baby he know held in his arms instead of up in the sky. I was amazed by the softness in James touch when he stroke a finger from baby-Harrys temple down to his delicate nose.

"And that outrageous messy black hair of yours," Lily said embracing James with both arms and stared at baby-Harry in James arms. Lily kissed James so tenderly at the cheek while James grinned.

"That's my uncle's knees!" James burst out when his attention went back to Harry from Lilys slow kisses.

Lily rolled her eyes fondly and a wide grin was forming across her lips. "Isn't it a bit odd that you know your uncles knees shape?"

"I liked him." James shrugged. "And his knees, he had a good set of knees."

While Lily formed a reply in her head by the expression across her face baby-Harry started to make some sounds, probably because James started to rock him in his arms.

"Beautiful Harry," Lily said softly and stared at me baby with motherly love filling her green eyes. I saw the pride in her eyes glittering in the mix of tears.

"Harry Potter," James said just as softly and kissed the baby at his temple.

.

_"My secret is that I am afraid, I am afraid that something will happen to Harry. He is just a baby. He doesn't deserve this; I don't know how all this could happen. But The Order of the Phoenix, yes -- they say that the word of Lily Potter and James Potter being safe is keeping them going but most importantly, Harry Potter and somehow the defeat of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is near."_

_._

I listened to the voice of Lily Potter while looking at my father, dad, in the arms of my grandparents. It looked so, _real_ but I didn't dare approaching them. The scene felt like home and my senses feasted in this ordinary piece of memory. James Potter was busy filling Lily Potter's neck with slow kisses in silence while baby-Harry rested in his arms carefully wrapped. Lily Potter's lips cracked to the same smile they once hid and ran her hand through James Potter's messy hair, almost messing it more so it made James Potters lips smiled against her neck because of her touch. History taught me that this moment wouldn't last forever but dissolve under artificial green from the wand held by evil but the beauty of this moment might've been forever nevertheless…

They were _perfect._

They never let each other or baby-Harry go, I watched them sit so close to each other and Lily shut her eyes again. Preserving a picture of this moment perhaps and I sighted. It was unfair.

Just as I felt comfortable the scene dissolved under my feet and I knew that I was getting dragged away from this memory back to me reality. The pull left me dizzy by the entire intake of memories but not nauseated or seconds from fainting. I was right back in my room, on chair, seconds from tilting too much to the left but grabbed myself onto the wooden desk. The last sentence on the beige page in front of me was sickening after spending it in that perfect moment of James and Lily Potter's life.

"_I hope that they are right about He-who-must-not-be-named, Harrys survival and our safety... I really do._" I read out loud, not knowing why I read it loudly and my eyes went to the bottom of the page. I didn't know it could feel so bad to see a name, my own name, but my stomach did the nastiest turn when I saw the tidy signing bellow that might be the last words ever written by that hand.

_Lily_

_._

_._

_._


	6. V: Jacob and Charlies Monday

I dedicate this chapter and the next chapter to **meiscool2**!  
_Thank you, for reading even when it is horrid._

_**.**  
_

* * *

V:  
**Jacob and Charlies Monday  
.**

Monday.

Monday hurts every part of the body.  
"I better be going," said Hugo from across the kitchen table with a dry sandwich in his left hand and a paper cup of tea in his left. I groaned "bye" and Hugo mumbled something about next week that I didn't catch and he Apparated to work.

The Monday morning was pitch-black outside the kitchen window and the cold that followed wasn't that alluring either but I had to face it, it was Monday and Mondays hurt badly. The calendar says it's the 12th December and I know that there is something I am forgetting, something of great importance to me and the hangover isn't helping. It's probably nothing I told myself while I locked my door with a whip of my wand and Apparated to the ministry, the doomed place I called work.

.

.

"That is how you cast the proper curse without risking a backfire or your team. You should always do this properly and follow the regulation that comes in the pamphlet of Auror and team safety that Auror Jacobs is handing out right now. To the course next week I would like you to read page 200 to page 212 and debate if you think that the regulations of werewolves are accurate for the knowledge we have about them today."

The chairs in the classroom-like environment scraped against the floor to let the lecturing Harry Potter know that the session was over and the mumble broke out.

"Lily wait" _Harry_ yelled across the room just when I was about to join the rest of her Auror team on their way out.

I agreed to walk back to hear my father out despite the strict rule that we weren't related at work. "What is it Harry?"

"It's Head Auror Potter" Harry answered grinning and pulled his round glasses further up on his nose. The desk that he now sat behind to read essays we handed in earlier was the only thing keeping him from hugging me.

"Miss Kettles, we will talk later about your thoughts concerning Giants," Harry yelled to the last student (also the most annoying, stuck up and irritating student) leaving the classroom. She blushed and left the Head Auror with her head bowed.

"Dad, what is it?" I said now that the classroom was cleared from nosy ears.

"You seemed tired, is everything fine? You know that you could move back any time you want," dad said in rapid speed with his hand scratching his already messy hair. What an annoying habit that was.

I groaned. "I'm fine"

"You look too tired even for a Monday morning – don't you think for a second that your mum and I don't know what you and Hugo does at Sunday nights," dad said accusing. "Well, maybe not your mum… she would go mental but I know!" he added with the same accusing tone.

"I am fine dad, I just need some sleep," I said as an end of discussion. It was when he looked up from the papers to meet my eyes that I was reminded of Lily Potters gaze and it made me shiver. He held his eyes fixed at mine for quite a while before the classroom door opened.

"Bloody hell, bloody hell! You know what day it is, don't you?" said Ron Weasley, Uncle Ron at the door entry. His red hair that was in the same red tone as my own was rather long and boyish and his ears faded into the red mess his hair was. Ron has always been tall, slim and freckled just like granddad Arthur but his normally happy face looked horrified.

"Some kind of anniversary? You and Hermione celebrating your millionth kiss perhaps?" Harry said to Ron with an oblivious look across his face at first but grinned at his own joke.

"RON!" yelled a voice behind his big frame that added to the panic across Ron Weasleys face. The woman that I recognized as Hermione Weasley or Aunt Hermione stood there with the bushy hair framing her pretty face and a couple of reading glasses on her nose. She squirmed through the small opening Rons frame left and then turned towards Ron with both hands on her hips. "Calm down!"

"12th December!" I yelled out clearly from nowhere and remembered what the fuss was about.

My favorite uncle, Uncle Charlies birthday was today and the fuss was standard. He didn't live among us in the heart of London but traveled on dragon back or on a broomstick around the world to tame wild animals. He had a bad habit of coming unannounced to Rons and Hermiones house because of some kind of favor involving a dragon that their long time friend Hagrid raised. The funny thing about Charlie was that he didn't follow the standards that the Weasley name put up to him about rasing some kids, living close like packs and beam at the sight of a knitted sweater and oh! He always made people stir up. Rons panic was a good example and today was extraordinary because Charlie Weasley expected a grand feast to celebrate his brief returning and "the luckiest day of my mother's life" as he so kindly put it.

"I've taken care of it for now Ron" Hermione sighted.

"You've done what? Why didn't you tell me?" Ron burst out angrily.

Hermione fired up. "Because you were busy with the Unbreakable Vow case! I am so deeply sorry Ron if I didn't let you handle that yourself. Maybe next time you should thank me instead of yelling at me.

"Oh yeah…? Oh yeah!" Ron retorted. "Well, I could handle it myself. Why do you always interrupt?"

"You forgot it!" Hermione snapped and they blazed towards each other throwing vicious words and punches.

"Oi – enough!" Harry let out to break the fighting off. "Lily is here" he added to my gratitude. Both Ron and Hermione looked at me with chock and Ron with a mix of shame.

"Sorry Lily, sorry mate," Ron said to dad and looked angrily at his wife who caused him to fire up.

"You are invited; I know that it is late notice but I remembered just yesterday." Hermione told dad and me.

"Yesterday; and you've prepared it all?" Ron said impressed. Hermione nodded stiffly but blushed discreetly.

"We'll be there" Dad answered to us both. I didn't want to be there, I secretly wanted to hurry home to read a particular book but dad would be suspicious and I do love my dear Uncle Charlie.

"Great, seven at our place. Don't forget your gift." Hermione said stiffly.

"I'm sorry for yelling love" Ron pleaded but Hermione turned around and left the room with Ron tailing after her. Dad and I waited for a minute before we heard Aunt Hermione giggle and Uncle Ron laugh in the hallway and obviously kissing.  
"Right, I'll see you at Ron and Hermiones" Dad said casually with eyes back to the papers on the desk.

"Yeah… see you dad" I said and waved my father off and left the classroom-like room to be blinded by my Uncle and Aunts horribly gross make out session in the hallway.

.

.

.

It was in the mix of applauds to Uncle Georges fireworks and the sweet taste from the chocolate icing on the birthday cake in my hand that I realized that the boy with the messy brown hair, scared face and the newly burned arm was in fact onto something and wouldn't stop…

.

.

When I stepped into the familiar home where I spent half my childhood I didn't know that there would be an unfamiliar face in the mix of all the regulars. A rather tall and build man with brown messy hair and a straight scar crossing his left eyebrow, down to his cheek was sitting casually in the living room sofa. He was about my age but spoke to Charlie, a rather old man today with mutual excitement as Charlie himself. There was nothing special about this boy I told myself except the small widening of his eyes when he saw me hug Charlie to congratulate him and then give him a silent nod to say hello.

"I'm Jacob Shaw and I work with your Uncle," he had told me while we stood in line for Aunt Hermiones famous mushroom soup (some kind of twisted inside joke between her, Ron and dad). His looks were too handsome for his own good and his smile was cocky enough to make my insides squirm in disgust but I didn't interest myself in him, I didn't even bother noting his eye color.

"I am Lily Luna and I am not interested," I replied while I poured up some soup and left the line. I honestly expected a disappointed face but in return Jacob formed an "O" with his lips ironically and broke out into a crooked and cocky smile similar to the ones James gave me.

.

.

"You're beautiful but I'm sure that you know that already," Jacob said to me discreetly while everybody cracked up by a bad joke Percy told.

"Thanks" I replied, rather polite considering.

"That line was bad but I had to try it out," Jacob said grinning. "You seem to enjoy this."

"Me? You're the one talking! You just want one thing," I hissed while smiling along with the crowd that listened anticipating to Georges comeback while Fleur stood up to grab a pot of tea.

"So you do know that the only thing I want is you" Jacob said grinning. "That was really bad."

"Sadly I don't want you back" I snapped and the crowd laughed at Georges punch line just in time for Fleur to offer Jacob tea. "And yes, that line was _really_ bad."

"Outch, you are frightening" Jacob told me before thanking Fleur for the cup of tea.

"I am as frightening as a dragon" I said casually and let Fleur pour some tea up.

"More dragon features I should know about before making you my girl?" Jacob said teasingly but followed Fleur with his eyes.

_Veelas._

"I burn like one too," I spat and offered Fleur a hand in the kitchen to her surprise. Jacob however smiled causally and returned to a heated debate with Charlie about what they would name a new born dragon with a hand casually running through his hair to mess it up even more.

.

.

"How about a date?" Jacob asked me when I was busy preparing plates for everyone in the empty kitchen so that my hard working Aunt could sit down. "I'd like to bicker with you in a fancy restaurant too."

"How about you stop talking?" I replied viciously but Jacob didn't bend this time and grabbed the plate's right out of my hands to prepare them himself.

"You interest me, I don't know why though, you are annoying." Jacob said happily. Too happily.

"Well, I find you annoying too." I said just as happily, but I was faking it.

"Good – there are things we have in common after all" Jacob answered and left the kitchen with a fully prepared table left for me to re-prepare properly.

.

.

Jacob stood there, applauding as loudly as anyone and padded Charlie on his back as a queue for them to leave. The crowd were laughing and chatting loudly with eyes fixed at the fireworks when Jacob worked his way to the broom shed – also were I had decided to stand to watch the fireworks in silence and enjoy the last piece of cake I had to fight Ron to get.

"Waiting for me here, clever," Jacob told me smiling and disappeared into the broom shed for a second. What was wrong with this persistent boy? He returned with two brooms in his hand and squinting with his eyes to make his scar wrinkle oddly enough to look like a lightening scar.  
"I'll… floo" Jacob said smiling with his brown eyes still squinted as he tried to read my facial expression.

There was a pause.

"You?" he added carefully.

"I rather hope you didn't," I said, hoping that my eyes blazed towards the rude boy but he smiled widely like he read my facial expression as a positive one.

Jacob freaked me out by boring his eyes into my scull before he replied, rather cockily."Don't worry Potter, you will miss me"

Jacob left with the brooms clutched tightly under his right arm and let sparks of lilac coming out of his wand in his left hand. When he started to hum casually I wondered seriously what the matter with that boy was and why on earth he chose to be so annoying towards me. Somehow I was fascinated by this, his annoying features, his lilac sparks and his scar across his face or was it simply by him? No, it was defiantly not him but as I stated earlier; It was in the mix of fireworks and icing from a cake that I knew that Jacob wouldn't stop whatever he was starting but it was when he left me that I realized that I _might_ miss him.

* * *

**A review is the fuel.  
Fill me up with gas!  
That didn't sound good but you know what I mean.  
****Lumos Maximum**


	7. VI: Persistence

**The A/N on five lines.  
Finally after all the background writing,  
the real story begins.  
And this is the filler out line.  
****Lumos Maximum**

* * *

VI:  
**Persistence**

I would forever hate Hugo for giving Jacob my home address.

("He is charming, he even charmed me!"  
"He is cocky, selfabsorbed and utterly…"  
"It's a act Lily! Guys do that. All. The. Time."  
"Merlin beard Hugo, what were you thinking?"  
"Uhm, I wasn't… I was kind of distracted by his scar and his eyes, you know they have a…")

Yes, I would forever hate Hugo for his weakness for scars and eyes and his kindness but after a week of flooing with Jacob I couldn't think of anything else to do during the week. Surely we nagged mostly and he had a way of interrupting me during the most crucial times like when I was going to work or stepping out of the shower, the ladder one was for his own enjoyment he told me without traces of shame across his face. Despite our constant bickering Hugo had to drag me away from the floo for our Sunday night bar almost-tradition and Jacob flooed me right when I was back home, half tipsy and half amusing according to myself at least. I crashed at the couch, where I spent my last night's on and stared into the flames where the features of Jacob started to appear slowly.

"Hi there Jacob!" I said cheerily after deciding that being nice was good for a change.

"Are you drunk?" was the first question instead of something in style with "Hi sweet pie" "Hullo love", "Howdy red flower" or his most annoying "Hey Potter".

"Well hi to you too," I said, a bit offended but beaming to see his familiar face in the flames.

He did not smile back.

"You're drunk," Jacob said stiffly.

"Well, yes Jacob. Yes I am," I said matter-of-factly. There was a burst in the flames and Jacob was gone, hours too early.

"JACOB!" I yelled, not knowing why, and I felt lonely all the sudden, Hugo was not on the couch but home, sobering up on his own and I hadn't got the company of Jacob that I took for granted this week.

After an annoying silence in my flat I realized two things. One, my flat was too big for silence and two, I was weak for thinking about a thought I suppressed a whole week because of that arrogant toe rag Jacob. It was a weak move by me to turn to my thoughts to Lily Potter's diary because I was feeling bitter and surely Lily Potter wasn't. Truthfully, I was a bit amazed that I forgot about her book, or at least managed to suppress the book.

Hugo often explained me as a person that was easily sucked in and out of things, almost obsessing until somehow I found something else to start obsessing in. Mum however told me that this was normal, that she too obsessed when she was young but she was eleven then, when she had an weird obsession on the "Harry Potter" but somehow, for reasons mum never told us, she got out of it. (Marrying her obsession, way to go mum).

I was twenty one and had been able to obsess about three different "love of my live", Quidditch, witty inventions, divination, pranks, dying hair, muggle war history, Animagus magic, muggle body ink (I have one too prove it too) and the important task of improving goblin welfare during my long and fulfilling life. Oh, and my latest obsession was being an Auror.

Obsessions could take me too far sometimes and that's why I avoided the book but this time when I rushed into my room to find the book on the desk where I left it last week I was half drunk and half angry but mostly fleeing. Fleeing was not heroic and Harry Potter-ish at all but I chose to do that when things got out of hand or too hard and being lonely for a girl – no woman -- with Weasley running in her blood was harder than accepting loneliness as a woman with Potter running in the same veins.

.

.

The black book invited me into the secrets as normal and the third entry I was allowed to read was dated much earlier than the entry before.

"How ironic," I let out when I saw the date of today but in another time period inked in poison green and blood red.

_._

_"19 December 1974_

_Hi, my name is Lily Lily and I am 14 years old. I do not write diaries but he told me that this wasn't one. He gave me this book as a Christmas present after our talk after the DADA classes and told me that I could keep anything in this book. I do not know what to write after this…"_

_._

This time the warm feeling of warm goo rushing through me veins was welcoming and the suction towards the book was a thrill that didn't make me as ill as before. I didn't admit it to myself but I was a bit exited to see where this journey might take me. The scene rushed around me, trying to form into something before I hit solid ground and found myself standing in front of a chair with a desk between me and a young version of Lily Potter.

"Here you go Evans," said someone and left a book on the desk. Lily Potter nodded, no _Lily Evans _nodded to thank but didn't lift an eye up from the book she was buried in with the quill in her hand.

The scene was familiar somehow, books were stacked up high and it was filled with newly opened quill, fresh parchment and forbidden chocolate bars. It took time before I realized that Lily was writing in the thin black book that I had in my possession right now and that I was in fact in Hogwarts library.

The "he" Lily referred to in her entry was nowhere to be seen in the moment so I decided to sit in front of Lily to wait and observe. I tried to sit on the chair I stood in front but somehow fell through it and hit the library floor. Lily looked up from the black book as I fell and the panic started to interfere with my sense. I stood up, met Lily gaze that seemed to look distant and was ready to leap out of the library, possibly back to my old Gryffindor dorm. If there was one thing I did learn from my history obsession was that you never interrupt or interfere with history, you observe and learn. But Lily didn't speak or comment my presence but formed a "O" with her lips to someone that wasn't me.

.

_Oh, he is Sev of course; my best friend. We have been best friends forever almost (it feels like forever at least) and we go to Hogwarts together, he is in Slytherin and I am in Gryffindor. He is clever, smart and I really think that he could go far someday. Maybe a healer or a DADA teacher, he don't know what he wants yet but I know that he'll be good at it whatever he does._

_._

This "Sev" character that I heard Lily voice introduce as "he" was standing behind me when I turned around to see what was causing the "O" on Lily lips. He looked like a young bat in his worn out robes that were a wash from having the black washed out. His skin tone was yellowish fading to pale and the nose was long and crooked. The eyes of the boy were deep blacks with small traces of warmth behind the cold that surrounded them and they narrowed annoyed when small pieces of his greasy hair fell into his eyes to block out the vision in front of him.

I thought he looked familiar in some way, with his stiff and forced smile plastered towards Lily and the mistreated look that his thin body represented. The small fingers clutched a thick grey book with brown letters eagerly and Lily stared at him, still with an "O" on her lips before gesturing him to sit down in front of her. I leaped backwards when the bat like boy approached the chair and thought twice if I should warn him from sitting on it. But he sat on it without falling and placed the gray book carefully between himself and Lily on the library table.

"Remember how I thought that it might be _experimental_ to read into the theory's we discussed at the first five DADA classes this year," Sev said with a rather soft tone that I didn't expect from him.

"Those theories about mind reading and mind blocking?" Lily said a bit frightened and impressed.

"Legilimency and Occlumency," Sev corrected rather harshly.

"I do remember what they were called, I just pointed out the wrongs with it," Lily told Sev with a provoking tone and crossed her arms. There was a little smile twitching across Sevs fourteen year old face.

"It's only wrong if they are used to hurt someone," Sev pointed out but Lily didn't buy it by the look on her face.

"Fine -- what about those?" Lily asked when Sev started to look through the book with eyes flickering from page to page casually.

"I am attempting to learn them," Sev said a bit prouder about himself than his soft voice implied.

Lily looked suspiciously at the book, at Sev who looked confused and then at the tip of her own nose.

"You're reading my mind right now, aren't you Sev?" Lily burst out all the sudden and her eyes widened before she shut them rapidly and held them like that for a long time. I panicked when the memory went black.

"Open _them_ again," Sev pleaded in the dark but the memory was still black, indicating that Lily decided to keep her eyes or her mind shut. I couldn't tell because I never understood the theories behind the mind despite the long seminars in Auror classes last year.

"Sev, it is wrong to steal parts of someone's soul," Lily voice told Sev bitterly.

Sev voice was defending. "I am not _stealing_ anything Lily."

"You might call it stealing if you go around Hogwarts and read minds!" Lily snapped.

"I am not reading your mind _or_ your secrets Lily," Sev pleaded once again and there was a sound of a book swooping across a table, possibly the table they sat at because the sound was close by.

"Besides, if I were reading your mind you wouldn't be able to stop it by keeping your eyes closed," he added while the sound of a quill moving rapidly filled the memory instead of a scene of them in the library.

A few moments of silence and the memory I stood and observed was back to color again.

.

_I don't know what I would do without Sev, I know everything about him, about his parents and his moods and his wishes. And he knows everything about me._

_._

Lily Evans twirled her auburn hair nervously around her quill. Sev however had scribbled something down on a page on her black book and moved his wand to put the page in front of the page Lily had written on.

"Here," Sev told Lily that accepted the book once again and read the same sentence. I walked to Lily back to see what Sev wrote on the page.

"The fractions of Lily Evans soul. Fractions?" Lily said and smiled warmly towards Sev. Lily only observed that the sentence was poison green from the ink on Sev's quill and Sev managed to smile back, all the sudden he looked like fourteen.

"Well, you can't put your whole soul in a book – that's _impossible_." Sev said softly and looked at book between Lily fingers.

"It's not my soul I want to keep to myself – it's my secrets!" Lily added to Sevs soft explanation.

"But you call secrets pieces of soul, right?" Sev added and Lily replied with a nod.

"So save them there," Sev told Lily simply and nodded towards the book.

"You're still able to read my mind," Lily snapped, clearly reminded of what they were talking about.

"I won't Lily, I don't have to. We're best friends right?" Sev asked, hesitating a bit and Lily nodded so fiercely that her auburn hair jumped up and down in the ponytail she had high up on her head. Sev shot a thin smile because of her silliness and pointed a long and thin finger towards the sentence about fractions of souls. "I haven't read everything about the subject yet but I think that I grasped the theory behind the mind-moving spells – I do not know why it's in the forbidden section though --"

"Maybe… and this is just maybe Sev, maybe because it's wrong?" Lily interrupted sarcastically.

Sev ignored her rant and continued. "If you put your wand towards your head you can drag out pieces of your memory, say Apliciato Dublicio and a copy of the memory will float into the book but the original memory will and say Apliciato Removate and the memory will float into the book and leave your head until you drag it back."

I however observed this Sev boy carefully, he was too clever for his own good and if Lily hadn't stated that he was in Slytherin before I could've easily guessed that he was a Rawenclaw. Lily wasn't impressed by his intelligence however; she seemed used to it and observed the book instead of the eyes of Sev.

.

_He gave me this book to put my secrets in so I write here because I have one.  
My secret is that Sev will know all my secrets because there are some I don't want to share. We are best friends but there are still my secrets. My own._

_._

"So… you won't be able to see in -- into my mind?"

"I wouldn't do that."

"In theory Sev."

"Well, in theory Apliciato Removate removes the memory from your mind, I don't know that much yet."

"Like Obliviate does?" Lily said with questioning eyes.

I was a bit taken by that, Obliviate was highly complex magic that they still practiced to make perfect in Extended Auror training and Lily knew about this at fourteen. The conversation interested me enough to keep silent, all the other sounds and events in the library didn't faze them or me. The conversation between the auburn haired girl and the boy with the crooked nose was interesting enough for me to get sucked in and wait for an answer from Sev.

"Well…No," Sev said after reading in the thick gray book he brought with him to the table. "I _think_ it only takes it away from the part of your brain that is readable, but the mind is not a book – it resembles more like a library".

Lilys lips formed an "o" and then broke into a warming smile. "Thank you for my Christmas gift Sev, have I mentioned that you are talented?"  
"Oh, I know it's a book and all and that we don't –"

But Lily interrupted. "You are talented!"

"Lily, I am not good at it, I can only sense feelings. I cannot read _minds, _which is hard"

"Not that." Lily chuckled at Sevs bemused expression before taking on a more serious tone.

"But you are clever Sev, you are! Have I told you that lately?"

"Well" Sev started and his lips twitched a bit."This morning at potions." This time to my surprise Sev pale face lid up, his eyes looked warm and he smiled a smile that even made the crooked teeth in his mouth look pleasing.

.

_He saw me write this entry and he smiled but he told me that I could do it on my own. He see me write this too, and this. And this! So I choose to put this memory here, the memory of us in the library with my early Christmas gift and if I haven't written it yet I write it again.  
Sev and I are friends, best friends.  
Lily_

_._

I felt the ground dissolve, the figures of Lily and Sev dissolved with it and after a minor journey where my insides went up and down and my blood rushed through every limb in my body I found myself back on the familiar bedroom. I felt drunk and sober all at once and hid the book on the top drawer and stretched out on my bed to catch my breath. The window over the desk showed a morning in the making, light clouds were breaking out and the dark disappeared slowly to reveal a Monday morning I knew I would dread. The snow was late this year but something told me that the snowflakes would fall any day now in time for Christmas. Christmas and falling snowflakes were the last thought I thought before catching the few hours of sleep. That, and the thought of auburn red hair and a crooked smile.

.

.

.

* * *

**Well, I went a bit un-reviewed for a while.**

**TELL ME, Is it bad? Should I quit writing on it :/, save me some time of my life by being honest. And review of course, so I know.**

**  
****Lumos Maximum**


	8. VII: Misteltoe

**Mid-week chapter.  
Merlins underpants, enjoy.  
****Lumos Maximum**

* * *

VII:  
**Misteltoe**

**.**

I knew that I would get the scolding of a lifetime for skipping dad's class but not from mister save-the-world-again-and-again himself, no, from mum who had a way of yelling at anything and nothing. I love my mum, I really do, but it is extremely hard to be disobeying her without going deaf by her shirking and it was to no one's surprise that I overslept today either. Don't tell me how I know this but I have a vague feeling that my poorly written owl-in-sick was going to get me at least one threatening complain from my mother.

I am twenty one years old _mother_.

Not twenty one year's young but twenty one years old, I am _old_.

But it didn't matter, not this Monday morning anyways when I sat in my bed, knees tucked up to keep the warmth close and a boiling hot cup of tea in my hand. It was past noon and I felt childish to expect mum to burst into the room any minute and yell at me for skipping class but that was half the beauty in it.

If felt peaceful when I observed the slowly falling snowflakes that mixed perfectly with the dirty street outside my bedroom window. It made me think of a lot of things, of love and hate and… Well, if I said that I didn't think of Sev and Lily it would be a lie because I thought of them. They were an odd couple; my grandmother, pure like the falling snow and her friend Sev that somehow felt familiar and was a dark like the dirty street outside my window. I discarded the thought in my head and promised myself that after this coup of tea I would work myself around my flat, packaging up boxes and placing items of need in various places in my house.

I couldn't live like this.

I was twenty one years old.

.

.

It was dark outside and the newly hung up clock on the wall ticked eight when my flat was decorated into Christmas perfection and looked livable for once. The magical fire sparked comfortably and there were plates in the kitchen, books in the shelves and most importantly toilet paper in the bathroom so I crashed at the couch, allowing myself the threat. I held a book I was eager to read, knowing that I had worked for it and it was (almost) like another book in my new shelf. Well, almost I reasoned when I stared at the book where Lily had scribbled down her deepest secrets.

So I opened it and stated that I was reading entry four.

"24 December 1974" I stated and with that the warm goo and the suction began as a queue for me to live my version of home to enter someone else's.

.

.

_Dear Diary._

_Or Secret book. _

_Dear something._

_I spoke to Mary Macdonald today. She told me something's about something Sirius tongue did with her own tongue that I will never want to experience. Especially not with Sirius. Everybody knows that he is a womanizer that has a thing for that Rawenclaw girl in sixth grade. It was not the point however, because Sirius Black is pointless. The point is that I never kissed anyone and Sirius has, Mary has and I even know that Potter has.  
._

_._

The memory had taken me to a familiar place, it was Hogwarts. The never changing Common Room of Gryffindor looked comfortable with the sparking fire next to the worn out sofas and the low chatting tone buzzing the room. There were the occasional "bang" and "poof" from a corner in the Common Room that seemed natural to the environment, Hogwarts was timeless I stated.

"Evans" said yelled a young boy happily from across the Common Room Lily stood in. When he approached Lily I saw that it was James Potter. He looked like a copy of both dad, Albus and James with his messy hair, small frame and glittering eyes. James Potter had ordinary brown that shifted from teasingly glitter to lovable warmth as they approached Lily that stood with arms crossed.

"Potter" Lily said stiffly to my surprise. All the warmth in her tone was gone and she was seconds away from snapping.

"Where are you going?" James said suspiciously.

"And you care because…?"

"Uhm, because it's Christmas Day and you aren't allowed to go out after ten."

My first thought:_ Christmas Day? _

But I regared it quickly when Lilys face turned from ice cold to a loud laughter more at James than with James."And have _you_ ever considered this all those times you and Black lost all those points last week."

James grinned, revealing all his straight teeth and his eyes moved to a spot to the left of Lilys face while remembering his mischief's.  
"Good that we have you to win them back at class" James examined.

Lily gave him a glare and corrected the green bow in her hair, straightened out her black robes and ran her fingers through her ponytail. "I'm leaving Potter," Lily declared and went straight past James.

"EVANS! STOP!" James burst out and Lily froze, petrified. James however ran in front of her and looked up to the thing that hung right above Lilys head. I watched the moment of their eyes exchanging looks of hate, love, confusion and passion and I was sure that this was the moment I was going to witness the first kiss between my grandparents.

"The answer is no," Lily said while her eyes looked hatefully at the mistletoe above their heads. The magic of the moment was lost with Lilys cold tone.

"You can't say no to the mistletoe," James pleaded. If he didn't resemble Al, James or dad so much I would consider him handsome and the look on his face rather cute and puppyish but Lily didn't see it.

"Watch me," Lily said and walked past James another time to the Portrait out of the Common room.

"Wait Evans, how about a date tomorrow at the Christmas fieldtrip?" James said securely and his hand went quickly up to mess his hair up even more. Lily rolled her eyes at his grand gesture and replied stiffly.

"How about you stop asking after eleven times?"

"You didn't say no this time, you just asked me to stop asking…" James said and smiled dashingly, the same girl getting smile that my brother James sported during his seven years at Hogwarts.

"No," Lily snapped, clearly not affected by his smile and turned her back at James that lost his smile.

"You're meeting Snivellus aren't you?" James yelled to her back. Lily might not see the eyes of James but they were angry and somewhat…jealous? No, I thought, why should James Potter be jealous at this Snivellus guy when he ended up marrying her?

"_Severus_" Lily corrected and my lips formed a "O", that made more sense, "And why do you care Potter?" Lily added viciously.

"Because he is Snivellus and a Slytherin!" James spat.

"_Severus_ – and I do not mind him being that. At least he has boundaries, a feature you seem to lack," spat Lily towards James who wrinkled his forehead.

"What are you doing after curfew anyways?" asked James, still aggravated with Lilys comment.

"Oh, just a quick snogging session" Lily said sarcastically "how about you – are you off snogging Black senseless?"

"Evans, you know you're the only one for me," James said grinning but his mind was up to something by the look of his eyes.

"That Potter, I highly doubt," said Lily ironically and twirled around to leave the Common Room with me following her closely. Behind us was James under the mistletoe more jealous, angry or whatever it was that made his fists clench.

.

_  
Although… I don't know why anyone would want to kiss Potter.I don't know if Sev has, I heard rumors but surely he would tell me. I am planning on kissing him, as a Christmas gift tomorrow but I don't know if he would want me too. I mean, if I have to try it out it has to be with Sev. And I've kissed him once… pecked him maybe, on the lips but it was childish. It was not like Sirius and Mary, but who would want to roll tongues anyways. Sounds gross._

_._

The scene dissolved rather quickly and I thought that I was going to get pulled out from it but instead of standing in the warmth of the Common Room I was buried in snow to my caves and I saw a frozen playground from the street I stood in. My feet were naked but I didn't feel the cold, it felt like there was something but I couldn't feel it. I was not there. My thoughts about snow went away when I saw a younger Lily sitting on one of the swings, I could easily bet that she was ten or eleven tops. She was fully dressed with white mittens, a green jacket and a white knitted cap dragged down her ears. She sat on the swing alone when I reached the place but the bushes next to the playground started to made spooky sounds. I got frightened but she laughed.

"Come out!" Lily begged the bushes and seconds later Severus came, poorly dressed in an oversized black coat, dark blue leather mittens and a dark green cap dragged down on his head that pushed the greasy straws of hair closer to his face.

"Merry Christmas," Lily said cheerily while Severus approached the playground and crashed down on the swing next to her while she swung higher and higher. I stood up to avoid the same kind of slipup with the chair in the library and looked at them swinging in silence while the playground made its rusty sounds.

"Merry Christmas," Severus replied after a while, rather stiffly and un-jolly and started to swing.

"Did they fight?" Lily asked all the sudden and stopped her swing with her feet to get a better look at Severus next to her. Severus didn't answer Lily with words but nodded and let his feet drag against the snow to slow his swing down.

Lily looked sad. "I'm sorry."

"Best Christmas ever," Severus scoffed.

"I know, Tuney hates me more than I could imagine," Lily replied with all the cheeriness lost.

"She is a mug – she is stupid" Severus told Lily to try to cheer her up.

"She is my sister," Lily countered.

"I miss Hogwarts," Severus answered, clearly not enjoying the topic they've been discussing.

Lily moved somewhat in her swing to make the chains cling to the poles holding up the swings.  
"Me too," Lily said and looked towards Severus to give him a weak smile.

"We could've been there you know," Severus said darkly. "They're probably having a feast."

"I am sorry for not staying there with you; I just thought that if I talked to Tuney and gave her all that candy we bought her at Honeydukes she wouldn't think that I am a freak" said Lily and looked down at her own footprints on the snow. "She fought me Sev, she told mum and dad that they had to choose between a normal daughter or me. I didn't want to make them choose between us so I left. Now they can have Tuney for themselves every Christmas and we could have our own in Hogwarts if you would want to… celebrate it with me. Would you?"

Lily exhaled sharply, trying to clear everything out from her mind and all the sudden she looked relaxed but a bit taken back by the bold request she just made Severus.

Severus looked more surprised than taken back by her question of having him as her family at Christmas and didn't know what to do with his fingers. He chose to play with the chains holding the swings up and avoiding Lilys eyes and mumbled silently to the chains. I couldn't determine if it was the cold of the snowy day or the proposal that made traces of red spread throughout Snapes face.

"I would like that. Beats my Christmases at home easily," Severus said softly to the chains without seeing the relive that spread across Lilys face behind him. He suddenly stood up and started to dig in his pocket until finding a small glass jar with a small fire in it.

"I was going to give it to you as a Christmas gift but you could give it to _her_. If you want," Severus said and approached Lilys swing to give her the glass jar. It glowed in red and blue, Incendio charmed fire I recognized. Lilys eyes widened at the sight of the flames floating half a inch from the bottom of the glass jar and looked with thanking eyes at Severus who chose to smile at last.

"You don't have to give me a gift; I mean we weren't supposed to give things. I just thought. Maybe... If you liked it. I don't know, but you don't have to." Severus said with an insecurity that didn't fit the character I observed at age fourteen. He looked really helpless when he decided to stop talking and look at Lily instead.

"I have a gift too you, I do. But mine is not magic and yours if better than mine, I could go home and get you another gift. Mum and dad bought me things from Diagon Alley – you could have your pick," Lily said childishly.

The reasoning was clearly eleven years old but Severus reply wasn't much older. "I don't want your pity."

"I didn't mean like that Sev, you _know_ that," Lily pleaded and Severus face implied that he regretted his burst out and looked down at the snow in front of Lilys swing.

"You could give me the other gift whatever it was" Severus said with his eyes and feet buried deep in front of her swing. Lily looked up at him, blushing slightly.

"You know the one that you were going to give me. If you still want to," Severus added insecure and I saw how he contained courage to meet her eyes. Their eyes met finally and Lilys calculated Severus black eyes carefully before talking.

"Wait, I'll… find it. Close your eyes" Lily said and Severus closed his eyes.

She put the glass jar carefully in her pocket to make sure that it was safe before she stood up from her swing and walked towards Severus. She stood in front of him and wavered a couple of times before she started with a peck on the lips that resulted in her closing her eyes while Severus widened in chock. Lily held her lips plastered at Severus for a couple of seconds longer until Severus closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling. A few seconds later Lily pulled away and looked at Severus shut eyes with the same of insecurity she had plastered on her face when she asked him to share Christmas with him.

"Sev?"

Severus opened his eyes to meet Lilys and picked up quickly that Lily was feeling insecure.  
"Your gift was good" Severus said, with red cheeks and a different kind of look at Lily after the kiss. There was something that resembled warmth in his eyes but only coldness or restrain was playing on his face.

"I practiced" Lily said beaming.

All the sudden Severus eyes went dark and if possible, his skin turned paler."With who?"

"On a mirror of course, I saw Tuney do it in her room" Lily said smartly and Severus went back to his normal state. They fell into what I would think was an awkward silence but they were looking content, both of them.

All the sudden there was two voices from across the street yelling Lilys name. Lilys voice sounded so surprised it hurt me. "That's mum and dad! They want me back… I have to go Sev, you should go too."

"It's not like they miss me at home, I think _Tobias_ passed out," Severus said frowning.

There was another call for Lily and a loud squeak from a little girl followed by a third call.  
"You could come with me if you'd like?" Lily said carefully with her eyes fixed longingly at the end of the street where the callings came from.

"Really?" Severus said, now allowing himself to look something else than cold. There were strings of hope across his face but hesitation of expressing them too quickly.

Lily smiled and grabbed Severus hand that was covered by the dark blue mitten with her own hand and pulled him next to her in the snow out of the playground and towards the end of the street where the calls after her came from. "Of course, we are best friends."

.

_  
My secret is that I wonder if I will be bad at it, or I think I will and will he even like it. I doubt it, I am not like Mary. She is taller than me and prettier and she knows how to do it. But I have to do it, it is Christmas and we never buy things to each other because of, well we just don't so he could not ask for something better. Maybe I should ask Mary how to do it before I go to meet him tomorrow. I just want to know more about the theories behind a kiss. If they aren't some logic behind kissing I am really doomed. At least Sev won't hate me for being bad. But again, how would I know that?_

_Lily._

_._

That night I slept troubled in my bed, it was the memory of my grandparents that haunted me. In my dreams I was a part of the memories I traveled through, I felt the cold of the playground instead of assuming and it bit against my naked feet and I felt all the emotions as vivid as I saw the colors. My granddad sat on a swing crying next to me and a lot of flames that shifted in red and blue like those Severus gave Lily at the playground filled the rough edges of the dream. There was no Severus or Lily on this playground, only James, tears, flames and the sense of Lilys hate towards him. How could she hate her future husband that much?

I slept troubled that night, I know, twenty one years old but all I wanted was Mum.

.

.

.

_Lily might be able to see the secrets written but she had a harder time understanding them. There were always two sides to a story; there was the side clear from tragedies and imperfection. The one that glittered like diamonds because it was as valuable as one and as rare and there's the other side of the story, the human version where bruises and scars were natural. The side of the story where the flaws create the plotline and the secrets define the value of the moments lived. Lily needs to journey through the few memories shared to understand that love is not a fairytale but we chose to make it one and that is what counts in the end…_

.

.

.

* * *

**_I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you enjoyed reading it too.  
they are somewhat adorable.. right? Both James and Severus.  
Read and Review_**

**_Lumos Maximus._**


	9. VIII: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus

_VII:_**  
Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus**

**.**

I knocked at Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleurs door and when the door flung open I got cheek kisses and hugged enough make it last until Easter Dinner. It was Christmas and I was looking forward to hug and kiss all my thousand and thousand relatives and eat. _Mainly_ eat.

The Christmas dinner at Shell Cottage was a mix of classic Christmas food, French food and the bloody stakes served for Bill exclusively. After grabbing as much food as a Potter was allowed in a Weasley environment I sat down in the small but crowded living room. Despite sitting almost too close to everyone in the room that was pretty decorated by a tree and different mixes of red and greens I felt the lack of my favorite Uncle Charlie. At Christmas dinner he usually interrogated me on the current boyfriends (that he promised to execute if they hurt me) and begged me to listen to the latest story behind the freshest wound he sported. It was only natural that I asked Uncle Bill where _Charlie _was.

"zeey are comin" zoon" Fleur replied to favor Bills stuffed mouth.

"Who are _they_?" I asked her but I saw the redness spread across Hugos food stuffed face (despite being twenty one he eats like when he was twelve) and I knew the answer already.

_Classic._

"Uncle Charlie and his trainee," Bill replied before asking Fleur to get him another stake from the kitchen.

He could just have said Charlie and his trainee _Jacob_. We hadn't spoken since the _incident _(only six days ago) with the drunkenness', he didn't floo, I didn't think of him (that much) and we surely didn't mind each other's absences. But I did mind his presence and got very annoyed when the rest of the crowed living room didn't notice the great distress I was in when I knew that Jacob was coming.

Mum was busy teasing Dad with a slow process of eating Treacle tart and missing her mouth on purpose to make Dad lean in and kiss it away. Pretty gross. Albus and Rose told a story to most of my cousins who roared all the sudden by something witty Rose said. Aunt Angelina, Uncle George, Aunt Audrey and Uncle Percy were involved in a stiff conversation that only half the party seemed to enjoy. I shouldn't even describe what perverted things Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron did in the darkest corner of the living room with only one plate of Treacle tart and two glasses filled rather generously of the French wine Horsia and James (who left the room a while ago to check at Fleurs gnome problem outside…right) brought with them as a gift. It looked like a normal Christmas before a heavy thump and a roar louder than anything human filled the living room and drowned the sounds of laughter.

It was during times like this, when all the sudden most people freeze and have a fit that the heroism in the room was visible. How much he even fights it Dad can't avoid standing up, wand raised high and ready to fight. I was never surprised to see how quickly both Hermione and Ron stood up; wands rose just as high as Dads and took place at each side of him to observe the situation.  
"It couldn't be but… It sounds like a small one of that one at Gringotts. We should put safety spells here," Ron said carefully. Both Hermione and Dad nodded and they worked quickly with their wands.

"Maybe it is one of those. But who sends one…Could it be activists?" Hermione asked carefully while whipping her wand a final time. The whole room stood up with the wands ready and casted protection spells they were taught since birth to protect them from Death Eater activists that reminded after the dark times. There was a shriek, three loud yells of panic and another inhuman roar from the garden and Dad went to action.

"James! Horsia! They are still outside! I need a broom," Dad yelled and ran out with Ron following him.

"What is it, the thing outside?" Albus finally asked to help everybody still their curiosity. I knew this sound from somewhere, perhaps a class I slept through but I knew that she sound was...  
"Possibly dragon," Hermione mumbled as it was the most normal thing. "But we will be safe, I've – we've put all the available spells there is so if everybody just stay here…"

I realized between Albus reaction and Bills robust tone of calming them down that I was an Auror, I was trained to do something, to help my brother, my Dad and all the other ones that fought a dragon outside. So I ran outside, against my Mum's angry yells and Hermiones carefully placed rants about the"blood of Potter". I ran out, cold hitting my face and my body and a vision that made me forget all about the Goosebumps that appeared slowly on my arms and legs.

_Bloody hell and every little curse I could name._

It was a dragon.

I saw a dark brown dragon hover above Shell Cottage and spitting accidental fire too close to the Cottage and on top of that was this boy, a messy haired boy I called Jacob. The dragon had black ridges on its back, rough skin and was easily met up to 35 feet and this boy, he looked to tiny on it but had a thigh T-shirt on him revealing the built arms that clutched dearly to the heavy chains around the dragons neck. Jacob pulled the chains hard and I could see his arms tense in the Lumos light of the small crowd's wands (me included) and the dragon made a sound and spat fire across the night sky.

Simply, the dragon was petrifying to observe and Jacob sat on it.

"Good tame!" yelled a man, my Uncle Charlie on a broom high up towards the starry Christmas sky.

"Are you sure?" Jacob hesitated but I saw that he smiled teasingly towards Charlie.

I joined Dad, James, Horsia and Ron who stood with mouths hanging, wands of light towards the sky and watching the huge dragon roaring and by the squeals it made _suffering?_

"Of course, just land her here!" Charlie yelled wildly and pointed to the lawn where the white roses were carefully hidden in plastic to save them from snowflakes. I had no idea of how to save them from a huge fire spitting dragon.

Somehow Fleur felt her precious roses death closing up because she ran out to the lawn were we stood paralyzed and watched Jacob slowly instruct the dragon to land carefully. Fleur probably cursed Charlie in French and pointed an accusing finger towards him while he hovered on his room to maneuver the landing. When the huge dragon landed carefully on the spot a couple of yards from the house (right on the poor rosebushes) he started to stroke the dragon, _stroke_, to keep it calm before he tied it down with a couple of waves with his wand. He gave Charlie two thumbs up and Charlie jumped off his broom to pour a potion in the nose of the dragon.

Jacob walked calmly towards me, no _us_ and I didn't know why but I took two steps forward to separate me from James, Horsia, the yelling Fleur, Ron and a fight ready Dad to meet him.  
I thought it was proper to meet him in the middle I guess.  
Jacob was sweaty, his body looked worn out but his lips smiled a lopsided and teasing smile against my gesture of stepping forward. We were at arm length distance when I saw that he was oozing of heat against the freezing night from the effort of taming the beast.

"Hi Lily," he said hoarsely, the same kind of hoarse you had in your voice after waking up and he blinded me with his most charming smile plastered across his face.

I didn't want to admit it but Jacob flying in on dragon back with sweat dripping uncontrollably down the strong features of his face and messy brown hair turning even messier from the adventures he took to stand in front of me was _by far_ the sexiest thing I ever seen.

.

.

.

Fleur scolded both Charlie and Jacob when they entered the room, sweaty, bruised, a bit muddy but as heroes and they quickly stole the spotlight during the last half hour of eating and during the gift unwrapping. The gifts were odd, most contained fireworks or practical jokes wrapped in beautiful paper and glittering ornaments for the parents. Most would say it was cheap gifts, a Weasley trait according to the Malfoys but I personally thought that gift giving was one of the Weasley-Potters stronger suits. We all got personal gifts, thanked a lot and felt happy over the (hideously) knitted sweaters but Christmas was like that. It was all about sharing, so much that James even borrowed Jacob his newly unwrapped Weasley sweater (although he told him specifically to keep it for eternity and beyond).

The night died slowly after sharing war stories (the classical Umbridge attack told from Georges point of view or Bills "action" story he liked to call the Goblin incident), love stories (Vicotrines and Teddys romantic proposal story or Dads famous "Road to Hermione – the hopeless story of Ron Weasley" to everybody's amusement except Rons) and numerous jokes (Percy out of date ones and Freddys fresh ones). It was time for the saying goodbye to loved ones part so they could floo or Apparate home. The few families left started to doze off in front of the sparking fire or watch the heated chess game between Rose and Ron. I chose to go outside for some air, for some stars or for a minute of coldness to make my lazy body stay awake.

It was the perfect Christmas night; besides the sleeping dragon only meters away from me and it looked as peaceful as a night could be. A light layer of snow fell over the old layer and hid the footsteps from before. It was childish but I stood with arms stretched and let the snowflakes fall onto my tongue to try to taste Christmas or heaven or whatever the taste of snowflakes was.

"_Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus,_" a soft voice behind me whispered and interrupted my attempt to taste heaven. I turned around and saw that it was in fact Jacob that had come out to join me in nothing else than a couple of Bills borrowed jeans and James newest Weasley sweater.

"What does that mean?" I asked him and to my surprise he laughed.

"I thought you went to Hogwarts like the rest," Jacob stated.

"I did," I told him smartly and he laughed again, annoyingly.

"_Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus_ – never tickle a sleeping dragon"

"Believe me when I say that it's nothing I plan to do in the future… but what does that have to do with Hogwarts?" I asked him, now more interested in him and what he had to say.

"I'm sorry," Jacob said sincerely. "But I thought students of Hogwarts knew what the school motto was," he added and laughed more at me than at the joke he made.

I never regretted this deeply that I turned down Aunt Hermiones proposal of lending me _Hogwarts: A History_ as 'light reading'.

"What is up with the dragon anyways? I've known my uncle my whole life but he has never caused this big of an entry when he arrived." I asked Jacob harshly.

"Oh" Jacob said and looked lovingly at the dragon that slept heavily a safe ten meters away from us.  
The word being lovingly.

"Norberta couldn't stay alone – Charlie said that he could take her with him but I told him that I could manage her alone. He insisted on taking her and asked me to follow him and here we are" Jacob said with sincere hurt dripping in his voice.

"Okay," I said and Jacob smiled vaguely towards me, or so I assume in the darkness.  
"I am sorry by the way, about Sunday and all," I said and thanking the darkness that he couldn't see me biting my lip.

"Let's not bring that up," Jacob answered, forgiving me with his lack of words.

We fell in silence after that.

I wondered a lot of things about Jacob, first of all; why did he spend his Christmas with a dragon and a co worker instead of home with his family? Two; the straight scar across his face, how did it end up there? Three; what problem did he have with alcohol or me drinking it anyways? (but I admitted that I didn't care much for that question at all after a minute of thinking on it) And finally how did he manage to fly a wild dragon like it was the simplest thing on earth and still look calm and poised when he actually _stood _on earth?

Jacob cleared his throat and said "Norberta had a baby, a girl. Charlie let me name her of course because – I mean I will raise her so it is only right."

"Raise?" I asked and had a hard time imagining that a dragon could be raised to behave proper.

"She is dying, Norberta. That's why Charlie didn't want to leave her. Did you know that's why Charlie comes to your uncle and aunts on his birthdays? To thank them --- and Harr – Mr. Potter of course for giving him Norberta. He thanks them by his presence I assume" Jacob wrinkled his forehead adorably, no scratch that wisely and added, "He is a bit odd that way."

I knew that Charlies unwarned and intruding birthday bashes was causing more panic than gratitude to Hermione and don't start talking about Ron but it was my turn to form an "o" with my lips and we fell quiet again. The moments went and Jacob started to dig in his cloak, much like Severus did I recognized and let that thought leave my head quickly. I shouldn't start obsessing, not on the holidays but when Jacob finally fished up a glass jar that contained a fire burning at its own my obsession started to grow. I couldn't help but gasp, my thoughts went to my namesake, to my grandmother and her Christmas.

"I want you to have it, it's her first fire," Jacob said so uncharacterized and shyly that it reminded me of Severus.

I was being dumb. "Whose first fire?"

"Norbertas daughter of course, Lilys," Jacob said just as shyly and I could have sworn that he went red in the dark. Again, uncharacterized. Wait! What? Did he just say Lily.

My fury rose."You named a fire spitting baby dragon after my deceased grandmother! What kind of human are you?" I spat suspiciously and furiously.

"What? No! You told me that you burnt like a dragon remember, so I named her after you." Jacob burst out in defense.

Oh… _that_ Lily. Me. I was extremely sorry and I had no words, this boy, this dragon riding, mischief loving, bloody annoying and utterly mental boy went and named a dragon after me? Not Lily Evans Potter the heroine but me, the alcoholic and unfriendly girl with the flaming red hair and absolutely no knowledge about tickling or not tickling a dragon.

"I am sorry, I just thought that – you know."

"It's okay," Jacob said and handed me the fire. The flames were shifting yellow, red and traces of green and blue that was the trademark of the first fire of a baby dragon. It felt a bit warm against my hand and glowed up the small area I stood and held it in, it was beautifully and like nothing I'd ever seen in a glass jar.

"But… I don't have anything to you," I said shamefully.

"No, it's not a problem. We weren't going to give each other gifts it was just that it was Lily's, not yours of course being a dragon I mean not that you're evil. It's not your grandmothers either although I really…" Jacob said uncertain and scratched his left arm a bit nervously. "I'll be quiet now but I don't expect anything."

I stared at the little pieces of him that I could see. My thoughts went to Lily kissing Severus after the glass jar gift and I wondered it was the appropriate response. Should I kiss this handsome boy that stood and fumbled with the sleeves of James Weasley sweater to repay him, or just see what the lips that smiled the lopsided smile tasted like against my own? Maybe they tasted like the heaven that I thought the snowflakes would do? But they were best friends and children and I barely know Jacob, I'm not even sure that I like the cockiness he often sported or the ego of his that made Hugo swoon or the stuttering mess he sometimes became… No, I was not Lily Evans Potter and he was not Severus and we were not romantic in any kind of way.

"I don't know what to say," I told him after a minute of soul searching.

"Words are overrated," he told me casually and looked at the sleeping dragon

"Uhm," I said. Good thing he finds words overrated.

"Never tickle a sleeping dragon," he added and we fell into a comfortable silence, admiring the dragons shifting skin in the small rays of light from the cottage and we could have been there forever if Fleurs voice didn't called us back for a night cap.

I clutched the jar dearly in my pocket as I walked next to him back to the Cottage, I was not certain of how he did it but he certainly made the spark between us turn into a blazing fire, if only for a minute.

.

.

.

* * *

**_And this is the end where I ask you -- what will happen between Lily and Jacob?  
How did he get that scar?  
Are you as hungry as I am?  
How many words will you write in your review?_**

**_Review oh sweet one, Lumos Maximum_**


	10. IX: Two Kisses

**_honestly think it goes a bit slow... plotwise, doesn't it? Maybe because I have a lot of juicy ideas in my head.  
Oh, well well -- let the story take its course. Its a good ride though.  
_****_L.M_**

_

* * *

_

_  
IX:  
_**Two Kisses**

**.**

The joy of the dragging laziness that comes the day after Christmas, the bliss of sounds of nothing instead of breaking plates, roars of laughter's, screams and the occasional dragon soars that added to the sounds of Shell Cottage yesterday is so peaceful. This, this is perfect – right here -- sitting in my living room with the book on my knees. _Her_ book, I needed to know from her how the story would go. My story that is, I won't say that I didn't thought of consulting my best friend but Hugo was already head over heels for Jacob and I needed female suggestions.

If Sev and Lily kissed and if it was good then maybe Jacob and I would too? He gave me a glass jar of fire and Merlin knows that if I didn't believe in signs I did now. The book, the glass jar, the dragon Lily – although I don't know what the dragon had to do with anything but it was still a dragon with her name and my name so that had to count for something.

"Give me some answers," I muttered to the book and read the entry on top.

.

.

_25 December 1974_

_(Also known as the day of my first kiss)_

.

I let the memory consume me, fill me up and take me to somewhere new. I fell, deeply and endlessly until the memories finally took shape into something solid that I recognized as the Muggle Studies classroom on fifth floor and the pitch black sky from the window to the left indicated that it was night. The classroom looked like it originally did, boring and very academic with the wooden desk, the small book shelves that were emptied out and the posters of an old telephone and one of the London underground systems. Most depressing was how the Muggle Studies classroom of 1974 looked exactly like the classroom I spent three dreadful lessons in before I decided to let Hermione teach me.

When I entered the memory I ended up in the end of the classroom while Lily sat on the teacher's desk anticipating something. Or should I say someone because I was sure that James or Severus would come anytime soon, a kiss considering these was the two options if I missed some mystery guy. Lily fumbled with her green bow in her hair and straightened her gray skirt more times than it was necessary and then looked anxiously at the Muggle clock, it didn't tell me much because there were no moons or planets orbiting, just numbers ticking. I got bored so I approached her, tried to feel comfortable in this new surrounding that was so familiar and I hit a table.

Hit being the word to consider.

I hit a table and I felt it, the pain was vivid and I could have sworn that it was real and not dreamlike like the chair or the cold snow I couldn't feel. This new thing made me a bit chocked at first and frightened but when Lily coughed and looked at the time again, sighing so clearly it meant something to her and I forgot to be afraid. She was here, it was her memories and clearly she let me be her too see it, somehow at least.

_._

_It couldn't have gone worse. I waited for hours; I thought that maybe he knew that I had plans of jumping him and snogging him without him even wanting it so he didn't come. I mean I wouldn't snog him, I would kiss him. KISS HIM. It's a great difference and it was an experiment with a friend. I didn't think that the rumors of him kissing Tibby York was entire true (Mary laughed when I told her about it) but I didn't know why he wouldn't want to kiss me either so I reasoned like this._

_Maybe Sev don't want to kiss me because I am a Gryffindor and he is a Slytherin. _

_That's what I thought at least_

_._

I listened to the soothing voice reading the entry and realized that it was Severus that she wanted but he was nowhere to be found and it felt like hours, I too watched the Muggle clock at the wall repeatedly and thought that the ticking went too slowly. Abruptly enough Lily stood up, furiously and ran past me but stopped at the middle of the classroom when the door opened and Severus jumped in with agony and shame across his face and tied legs over his long black robes that were soaking wet.

The frustration in Lilys face disappeared in a second and turned into hurt.

Lily gasped and took her wand and released Severus from the ropes his feet were tied by. I was ready to curse whoever did this to Severus because he looked so weak and defeated in front of Lily that looked hurt and responsible.

"Sev?" Lily pleaded to Severus after he was released but he didn't utter a word and his arms were locked to his body.

"Oh," Lily said. I did not know why though but she whipped her wand once again and I saw Severus arms stretch out and then he pointed to his mouth. Lily nodded in understanding and mumbled a counter spell that made Severus burst into a lot of words rapidly.

"Gryffindors! Those arrogant, cowardly, self-absorbed, idiotic and…"

"Enough," Lily said stiffly with her childish tone disappearing and transforming into an adult tone that my mum easily could call her own. I however agreed with Severus that whoever tied his legs, cursed his arms and put a silencing charm on him was an arrogant, cowardly, self-absorbed, idiotic...

"Enough? Lily you don't know what they are up to and Remus..." Severus said and I saw him collect all the strength he had in his body not to flame upon Lily who stood there, arms crossed and defended whoever did that to him.

"Be careful with your words Severus, one day they might cost you. Gryffindors are not all those awful things you just said." Lily said disgusted.

"I didn't mean you. I meant _Gryffindors_," Severus said stiffly.

"I _am_ a Gryffindor" Lily replied just as stiffly. I was standing in between them and saw the lump on Severus throat grow like he was going to break down in front of Lily but his face was as cold or restrained as usual. Lilys eyes were drilling their way into Severus brain before he finally broke.

"Fine, Pettigew, Black and especially Potter are arrogant, cowardly, self-absorbed…"

"Enough!" Lily burst out and their eyes blazed towards each other. I was taken aback by their fighting; they didn't seem as friends who fought.

"They were three against one and I were ambushed from the back. Gryffindor home of the brave," Severus said wryly. "I highly doubt it."

"I have nothing to do with Black or Pettigew, not now and not never."

"What do you have to do with Potter?" Severus started, his furious voice filling the abandoned classroom.

"Nothing at all," Lily stated sincerely and their eyes blazed towards each other again.

This was awkward, it was too awkward to be here in the middle of their fight about some awful things Potter and his posy had done to Severus. I had a hard time to accept that it was in fact my father's dad, my grandfather that had cursed Severus so cowardly…

"I am sorry," Lily said, breaking the silence.

"Do not apologize for _Potter_," Severus snapped.

"What I was going to say was that I am sorry for begging you to come here tonight," Lily said while ignoring Severus statement. Severus face twitched a little, I knew that he took her comment personal.

"Why did you _beg_ me to come anyways?" Severus asked coldly.

"Oh, don't act all cold, you know perfectly well why we met this time every year," said Lily coolly, "but I don't know anymore," she added and looked out to the left against the window and the night.

I saw Severus stare at his shoes, fumble a bit with the hem of his black sleeve and shoot occasional glances at Lily who were straightening her skirt frequently.

"I didn't mean it, about Gryffindors and all," Severus finally said boyishly. The occasionally acting his age threw me off a bit, he could be such an adult at times but somehow when Lily was upset or acting what I would call hormonal Severus grew down to meet her at her level of age.

"I know but it hurt still," Lily told Severus stubbornly but met his eyes right in the middle of one of the glances Severus shot at her. This seemed to throw Severus off a bit; I saw his eyes go glassy and almost loosing themselves.

"Forgive me," Severus said, not apologizing but pleading and with eyes now trilling their way through Lily's eyes into her heart.

"I do," Lily said simply and smiled a small, sympathized smile with both lips and eyes.

Severus eyes shone and I realized, then and there, that he was in love with her.

.

_But it was James Potter, Potter realized where I was going (I poured the memory down in the previous entry because I don't want to spoil this one with that stupid memory) so he and his stupid friends went and hexed Sev. I can't understand how someone could be such a git as Potter.  
I really really really don't like James Potter!_

.

Severus looked so pathetic in front of Lily with his torn robes, soaking wet from the prank that had been pulled on him and the long hair plastered to his face by the sides. The small location three meters in front of Lily that he chose to stand on during their fight was marked by a puddle that the dripping water was creating. I had no doubt that Lily felt the way I felt when I looked at Severus, but I knew something Lily clearly hadn't noticed. Severus was in fact in love with Lily, the way he carried himself around her proved my point but to her – he was just "Sev" and he acted like this, frighten, hormonal, obsession and almost childish when the matter of his heart was around him.  
That being Lily.

"Promise me that we will be friends whatever I do or give you, okay?" Lily hesitated and Severus nodded where he stood. I knew that this was going to be more than an experiment for them both, perhaps for Lily but Severus…

I saw Lily pass me where I stood in the middle and approach Severus slowly who seemed to be glued down to the ground. The sound of two feet walking in the water indicated that Lily was close enough to grab hold of Severus wet robes. I watched her carefully and she did grab his shoulders, Severus looking stricken by her intruding in his personal space and she leaned closer to him.

"I don't know how to do this," Lily told Severus but I saw by the look of his eyes that he couldn't believe that this was happening. Lily bit her lip carefully as planning how to do the deed.

"Are you… like when we were small," was all Severus replied, staring at Lily petrified and exited so Lily smiled a small smile before she leaned in towards Severus wet body that I saw how her gray skirt absorbed the water along with her blouse.

"It's not like when we were small," Lily started and the blush on Severus cheeks spread slowly across, I knew that the quick breaths of Lily tickled Severus nose by the way he wrinkled it discreetly.

Lily placed her forehead against Severus, smiled into his black eyes and placed a careful kiss on his pale lips. It was a shallow kiss at first but it deepened at Lily's pace while Severus replied with caution and his hands stiffly to his side instead of on Lily's arched back. Lily held her eyes closed, unable to see the widening eyes of Severus that looked past Lily's nose to their locked mouths. Severus finally closed his eyes to let himself loose his constant guard. Lily's arms were resting around his neck and she waited hungrily for a reply of passion but it never came from Severus who, by his body language was afraid of doing something that might push her away. They stood there for a while with me watching over them only inches away like an unseen shadow and I saw how Severus hands twitched trying to decide if they should touch Lily who was grabbing every piece of wet cloak around his neck her tiny hands could get hold of. He finally placed one hand on Lily, carefully on her hip…

I never knew what happened next because my observation got interrupted by a call for my name from somewhere from a far. Maybe it was in the corridor I reasoned because this was not my memory and the call might have been for Lily. She was busy snogging, no correction kissing, Severus and might have ignored it but somehow I knew it was for me. I _felt_ it. The name – my name was called again by the same voice and I felt my body slowly leaving the memory, seeing it blurrier and messier but it was still sweet and innocent before I shut my eyes to let the book or my mind take me back to the original world.

My reality.

.

.

I found myself in my red nightgown, in my living room and heard the voice that I knew didn't belong to Hugo, dad or beware, my mum.

"Lily."

When I approached the magical fireplace in the flat I saw the messy brown hair, the scar that ran over a left eye and a victorious grin out of the fireplace.

"Finally, I've been calling for minutes and you've been sitting like that for hours."

"Jacob, oh I didn't hear you," I said, obviously the truth.

"And hey! Stop spying on me, I have to get a floo-alert!" I bust but Jacob didn't bother to respond.

"Must be a good book, what kind of book is it?" Jacob said cheeky.

I smiled. "I think it's a love story"

Jacobs smirk was clear through the fire, "I didn't expect you to be so girlish Potter."

I rolled my eyes at his statement but couldn't fight the smile; I didn't expect myself to be so girlish either.

"I want to talk to you about something," Jacob said finally and I realized that this was the reason he appeared in my magical fireplace.

"Floo here," I offered for the first time and Jacob disappeared back to floo himself properly. It would take him a good ten minutes to floo himself from wherever he was to my living room so I had time to wrap myself in a green robe before he got to see my unorthodox nightgown and promised myself that I would read the last sentences of Lilys entry so I could figure out what to do with this new temptation I felt towards Jacob. Lily had kissed Sev so maybe… maybe my story should go there too?

When Jacob stood in front of me, laughing at my green robe twelve minutes later I forgot all about what I should and shouldn't read.

.

.

.

I never realized that Jacob had blue eyes, or at least this kind of blue eyes, they were ocean blue that had depth in them just like the ocean they resembled. We were about to say our goodnights after a heated debate of Thestrals (I loathed the animals, he loved them) before he flooed home so we stood there, in the light and I bathed in his ocean blues. To my defense I never stood this close to him in the light, only inches away – not close enough to kiss him but close enough to feel the strong spearmint toothpaste that he apparently used. He too observed me, my freckles I assumed by the look of his eyes on my nose but I was looking straight into his absent eyes. There was this spot in the left eye, where the scar would go if it went across his eye and the spot was gray almost like a mole but the small piece of gray held something in them that glittered. Why hadn't I realized this earlier? His eyes met me, blazing blue with glittering gray and they observed me hungrily, almost closing up to my soul behind my scull, _reading my secrets_ and I shivered.

"I told you that I wanted to talk, right?" Jacob started and I nodded.

"I like you," Jacob said sincerely but didn't let his eyes drop. I was lost in admiring the gray spot in his left eye that felt so out of place but fitted so perfectly.

"Me too," I said with an absent voice and turned my head a little to the left to get a better view of the spot. I didn't know that I did like him before I said it out loud. I closed up to see the gray intriguing spot in his eyes and he had to assume something that was the only logical thing to explain his behavior.

"Hugo told me you would be alone," Jacob said slowly leaning in towards me with a small smile playing on his lips.

"So you talk to Hugo?" I said coolly but I couldn't avoid feeling warm, fuzzy, dizzy and lightheaded by the new smells I absorbed. Besides spearmint I felt the smell of cake, Uncle Charlie (assumingly dragon) and man perfume lingering around Jacobs's thick frame.

"Jelaous much?" Jacob said teasingly and grabbed my lower back with his big hands. I felt my knees bending inside but I kept straight, it would _not _be acceptable to be swooned by this arrogant git that I apparently _liked_.

"Mhmm…" I let out, not able to make any proper sound now that I felt his dominant hands on my body. I lost all sense of control and he knew so he took advantage by leaning in even more and met my forehead with his own.

"Too close for you, Potter?" Jacob asked me smiling at my reaction to my surname.

"Why don't you back off?" I asked him less harsh than I intended but he kept his smile.

"If you wanted me to move Lily Luna, you would never let me place my hands on your back," Jacob said and pulled me towards him to fill out the few inches our body had left between each other and breathed slowly as a contrast to my speeding heart.

He was probably right, I would never let anyone put their hands on me if I didn't desire them to be there so I placed my hand carefully on his chest to make sure that his heart was speeding too and the beats pounded fiercely against my hand and then he kissed me. Or I kissed him; either way there was a kiss that tasted spearmint, cake, tongue and _heaven_. It was never sweet at first, it was raw, passionate and wet while my hands played with his hair and his hands stroke my back teasingly. He deepened the kiss quickly and I replied with aggressive tongue too keep up with his skilled one. Our lips matched perfectly and the small infinity felt like a second when his lips left mine hungry for more. I held my eyes closed, sure that he observed me with his open ones and I knew that there was only one thing I could do and say to make him kiss me again.

I grabbed his face with both hands and felt the roughness of shaved facial hair, the silkiness of the skin on his cheeks and the smoothness of the scar across his face under my palms. For a second we did nothing more than stare into each other's eyes and then I pulled his face and his lips slowly back to my needing and hungry ones and I let them whisper,

"more."

_._

_._

_My secret was that I did not feel heaven or clouds or whatever you were suppose to feel. I know that I am only fourteen but I will be fifteen in a month and that is almost out of age so I should be able to feel what you were suppose too feel, right? It was not as perfect as the movies me and Tuney used to look at with mum, it was just… gooey? No, it was sticky, odd, a bit embarrassing to be honest and I thought that it was not as "fantastic" or "grand" or even "Sirusly wonderful" as Mary said yesterday. (But I didn't go for the Siriusly wonderful feeling exactly; nobody with sense would go for anything that had Sirius in it). It was to be telling the truth a bit bad at first but when Sev relaxed it got better; way better or maybe it was me who was stiff? __OH! I DON'T KNOW!_

_I'm glad it was with Sev thought because he told me that I was good at it, I didn't ask about Tibby because who would like that. You know after a kiss and all. We tried it again and he promised that he still likes me, he said even more than I like him but I doubt it. Sev doesn't like people more than people like Sev but he likes me and that is good… AND he was pretty good at kissing so Tibby (if the rumor is true of course) should be glad and oh! I have another secret! But there is no point in hiding it here because Sev already knows this, he doesn't have to read minds and he defiantly felt it but I write it anyways._

_I, Lily Evans am a horrible kisser._

_Lily  
._

_._

_._

_

* * *

_

**_Review it if it deserves it.  
xoxo  
Lumos Maximus_**


	11. X: Reflections

IX:  
**Reflections

* * *

**

_Thanks to it I'm stuck with secret number three – My dreams, I dream of him, every night and the sight.  
Especially of the sight.  
I do not understand why it can't be real?  
Lily_

_***_  
And with that I closed the book, laid across my bed. I thought about Jacob that kissed me a couple of nights ago, thought of my future, thought of my pale reflection on the alarm-clock in silver, I even thought about a certain someone that avoided my mind since I moved to this flat but mostly I thought about Lily. I thought about Lily a lot, about her hair, her eyes, her smile, her dilemmas and found peace in that they resembled mine more than I thought. Above all I thought about her courage, her future marriage with James and her admiration of Severus – especially of her admiration of Severus and about her future, the features we did not share. I lived when she didn't.

I was troubled in the darkness with Lily running around in my mind while I fell into a troubled sleep. It was the diary – no, the book's – fault that I dreamed of golden details, candle reflections and a vague, happy less smile that didn't belong to me or Lily.

All because of what I couldn't see – what nobody besides them could see – couldn't be a reality.

--- --- --- --- ---

_14 January 1945  
***_

_Dear Secret book, as I've decided to call this book from now on. Sev had his birthday as usual at the ninth; I do not know why his spooky friends (And Tibby of course) didn't mind his special day. I didn't neither (because he hates it) but that's not the point.  
Point is, Sev did end up in the infirmary at his birthday because of those sickening and immature boys and it was his birthday… and I am a Gryffindor, and he was alone and… Oh, I can't justify what I did!_

_Secret number one -- I snuck OUT.  
But it didn't stop there, when Sev finally got out WE snuck out (or I forced him too) but I had to show him my findings.  
***_

"Quietly" Lily whispered.  
I was at a dark corridor in Hogwarts all the sudden, running and being hushed at (or not directly but that was how it felt) by Lily. Severus looked stricken by their mischief's but Lily clutched his arm tightly when she dragged him behind statue to stature and crossing the corridor we stood in an unnecessary amount of time. It was clear that she didn't do this daily although she had some skill in her.

"Lily, this is above the teachers room – if we get expelled" Severus started but Lily hushed him another time and this time even louder than before.

"It's just around this…"

Finally Lily had brought Severus – and me – to a door resembling all the other doors in Hogwarts. It couldn't hide anything special I guessed. Lily whipped her wand in the air with a kind of grace I never had and the door clicked to reveal the room hidden.

Lily stepped in first followed by Severus and I snuck in before Lily turned around, with me only inches away and locked the door with the same movement of her hand.

"You are getting good at the non-verbal's" Severus said impressive and Lily blushed.

"I read that book you told me about and oh, it's just those two spells…"

"I haven't got hold of it yet" Severus said stiffly and Lily mumbled something I didn't catch.

I was busy absorbing the environment I was standing in, I had never seen this room in Hogwarts, and never less thought that there was a room like this. I've heard about the Room of Requirement but that was destroyed in the Second War – my father is Harry Potter I should know – so this had to be something else. I couldn't even imagine why Lily would wish for a huge mirror with golden details at the thick frame either so the thought of standing in the Room of Requirement was quickly abandoned. There was not much to take in, just the flicker of the candles that played spookily against anything that reflected the light. The mirror glimpsed mystically in the middle of the room with some kind of aura sucking everything in the room towards it.

After a while of whispering and chatting at the door Severus started to approach me with Lily as his leader into the center of the room right in front of the mirror. I however was confused by the weird sentence on the golden frame.  
_Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_

_When I tried to hide from professor McGonagall (I would defiantly lose my badge for lurking around – especially after scolding Potter for losing 100 points last night).  
I found this room with a mirror that showed the future. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. (So naturally I had to show him, him being Sev, as a birthday gift – although we don't do birthdays mainly because Sev of course). I know, just a mirror right? But I do not think that anything in Hogwarts is just a"just". Everything has its own magic I guess, just like this mirror._  
***

"Happy birthday!" Lily said happily when she stood in front of the mirror and pointed at it.

I thought granny lost it.

"Birthday gifts? Why celebrate birth and not death?" Severus remarked and raised his eyebrow suspiciously but added

"What's the gift with the mirror anyway?"

Lily looked rather oddly at Severus and then at me, or at a spot left to Severus I assumed because I wasn't there, well not really.  
She hushed him for being negative. We stood suspiciously a couple of meters away from Lily and the mirror, me observing the actual frame and the room and Severus observing the girl standing and pointing with eyes sparkling.

"You'll see. Come closer, stand here, right here!" Lily said and pointed on a spot on the stone floor.

"Here?" Severus said after approaching Lily.

"No, little more to the left. As close next to me as you can!"

Somehow I knew that Severus didn't mind standing so close to Lily. He stood so close to Lily that their arms were pressed together and it took about a second before he got the same thrilled expression on his face that Lily already have.

"Do you see us? We are so grown up!" Lily said so exited. I however saw nothing; I just saw the reflection of the Lily with her auburn hair braided into two, not looking a year older than fourteen and the thin Severus with a body that was slim and childish but started to turn into a man. I did as Lily said; stood closer behind them and something flashing of vivid red and black that I couldn't identify presented itself across the mirror. The candles that lid up the room flickered teasingly around the mirror and caused the illusions but there was something, something vivid red and black.

"I see us! Do you think it shows the future?" Severus stated, so chocked by the sight he saw in the mirror that his face locked his suprised expression.

Lily wrinkled her nose a little, "I don't know, I think so. Do you see the house over there?" Lily said, pointing to the left of the mirror.

"The light yellow one next to the forest?" Severus asked and stared at the same point.

"No – The white one where the black haired boy is playing with the snitch, that's home… I guess" Lily said and Severus nodded uncertain.

"I don't see the boy" Severus confessed after a while but Lily didn't look disturbed by this.

"Oh, don't worry he went into the bushes to find the snitch, but look how old we look! I have to be forty at least and you too" Lily said smiling. Severus looked stricken.

"Were not forty, we are twenty years and the house is yellow… I am certain that it's yellow" Severus said surely.

"Yellow? What do you see in the mirror?" Lily said now curious but somehow Severus felt preserved about what he saw.

"You tell me what you see first Lily" Severus said and observed Lily who didn't let her eyes leave the mirror for a second.

"I asked you first" Lily said simply and Severus was defeated by logic.

There was this silence, a silence Lily or Severus didn't think of because they were absorbed by the vision they had in front of them, the sight I couldn't see so I stood there and watched them dream away in private.

***  
_It was amazing magic. I saw my future or something that I wished was real, the sight was even better than magic (and magic is one of the best things there is).  
I was all grown up, mature and I had a beautiful life. I lived in my own house and I was old, almost forty and Tuney was over for tea in my garden, there were daffodils, roses, lavenders and even palm trees in my garden (and I know that is impossible…almost). Tuney was so happy and she held with a wand in her hand, she was a witch too! Oh, and my son – he had black hair so I assumed that it was Sevs son too.  
Were we really going to married?  
I do not know but he was there at least and Tuney too, both happy in my garden._  
***

When I heard Lily Evans voice fill the memory I understood why her eyes were so glossy and dreamy in front of the mirror. Lily stared into the mirror and saw a alternative universe of some kind and she had seen her actual son, my father playing with the snitch in a white house.  
Happy.  
She was old, heck – she lived, of course that was her dream.

"Please tell me" Lily pleaded with a voice that was absent. Severus regained some poise after a while, an ability he seemed to master and cleared his throat before speaking.

"Uhm, okay. I see a yellow house, next to the forest and I see Potter hovering by his ankles. So I did manage to make my own curse at least. Your turn" Severus confessed mostly to hear Lilys confession of what she saw.

Lily frowned. "Is that all?"

Severus nodded but it resulted with Lily laughing.  
"How do you know that we are twenty – tell me what you see Sev and I will tell you"  
Severus hesitated another second.  
"I promise I won't laugh" Lily pointed out and grabbed Severus hand into her own, pressing it gently. This small gesture made Severus get some courage to start to speak, still standing and with eyes fixed longingly at the mirror in front of him.

"I see a lot of things, we -- we live together in the yellow house but I do not see a boy, it's a girl and she has red hair like you and she has your eyes. I think that's it's your daughter. She tears our -- the garden of lilies apart to put them in her toy cauldron and we sit on the porch, looking at her and drinking tea with my mum and mum is happy. For me, Tobias is nowhere and…"  
Severus voice trailed off.

"And what?"  
"And you – and you -- that is all" Severus ended rapidly but Lily didn't believe that his story ended.

"I won't laugh Severus" Lily assured him and pressed his hand even harder against her own. This was the first time I heard Lily refer to Sev as Severus and I realized that it was her interest, her curiosity or her seriousness in reminding him that she wouldn't laugh at him that provoked Severus real name out of her. Severus was a bit flushed by this and stared from the mirror towards Lily that hadn't moved her gaze from the mirror.

"You -- kiss me on the cheek and the little girl hugs me. I think she is my daughter too and… I think we live together because we are married… You have a ring on your finger, like the one I have" Severus ended and looked at his fingers that Lily had a grip on. His face turned gloomy when he realized that there was no ring on his or hers and the redness spread across his pale cheeks.

***  
_But Sev didn't see any of it, I thought that we would see the same things.  
Instead, he saw Potter hovering by his ankles by his own spell "Levicorpus" (A sight that let Sev know that he accomplished to perform his own – evil – spell)  
I didn't like the thought of Sev doing that kind of … evil magic in his future image. Besides hovering Potter he saw a yellow house, a girl and his mum. And me of course.  
I thought the theory behind the mirror was like this; maybe, maybe he saw us with a daughter that had grown older and moved and then came this little boy I saw and that Tuney didn't visit Sevs reflection because well, she doesn't like him. Oh, and Sevs mum didn't visit my reflection because… She just didn't. _

_I really, really thought that it was a future mirror._  
***

"What do you see?" Severus asked Lily. I saw how Lily thought quickly and then smiled.

"I see us too, we are forty. The boy is almost eleven and Tuney is sitting with us on the porch. She is happy too. For me, for us. I think that the boy is our son because he has black hair but I don't know Sev, I do not see the rings on our fingers" Lily paused, looking gloomy she added "but I don't see the girl"

"She is beautiful" Severus said dreamingly and didn't catch Lilys explanation in them not being married or much of her words overall. I assumed that he thought that she too saw them married or that he was so wrapped up in the sight in front of him to react. The ladder was probably the most accurate by the look of him, his eyes were feasting on the mirror ahead.

"The boy too. Oh, how sweet! Tuney just charmed his snitch back! I wish you could see how happy he is" Lily said dreamingly.

All the sudden Severus face broke from the dreamy stare and his voice sounded broken. As someone had broken him from the insides out and then repaired him to break him again.

"Did Petunia have a wand?"

I couldn't help myself so I laughed, to even consider _Petunia_ with a wand after the stories I overheard Dad tell to Ron when they sipped too much Firewhiskey was funny but it was even funnier when I thought of Uncle Dudley with any drip of magic in him or of my annoying cousins levitating things. Lily however didn't see the flaw in that sight.

"Well, yes." Lily said simply.

Severus face twitched rather unpleasant in front of the mirror "So this mirror doesn't show our future, I reasoned that I saw the boys elder sister and… you know… saw her little brother" he said and broke his gaze at the mirror too look at Lily, standing next to him and taking a firmer grip of his hand.

"I thought so too, but why isn't it the future Sev?" Lily said with the same broken tone as Severus. "It might be"

"Because you saw Petunia perform magic" Severus said stiffly,"Petunia will never perform magic".

I didn't know why but I felt as heartbroken as they did and I knew that I couldn't have seen a more broken face than Lilys in that room, Severus pain was badly hidden in his twitching features but Lilys mostly warm eyes looked so, hurt and dim.

'… and I saw my mother happy." Severus added and with that Severus overtopped Lilys cold eyes with his dead ones.

***  
_But I realized that it wasn't and I should have known better than knowing that the future can't be foretold. But here is the biggest secret, secret book. I did know that the future couldn't be foretold; no magic could to that, I just wished that if Sev said it was possible… it might be real. I really wished, I really wished it to be true from the bottom of my heart. All of it.  
But future can't be foretold and the vision hurt. It was beautiful but it hurt._

***

"We can pretend" Lily finally reasoned, still hurt but some of the hope flushing back to her face and mostly her eyes. "Let us pretend that it's the future and that your mum is happy and Tuney is happy and that there is this little boy and girl and that they are our and we are married – if you want to pretend that too -- and that we have a white house and …"

"It's yellow" Severus corrected, his eyes regaining some life by his suble remark and his lips playing a little smile, vaguely but there was a small smile that Lily replied with a nod.

"Yellow" Lilys soft voice said and smiled, just as vaguely towards Severus.

"It might be white if you want to" Severus added, reminding me that he was only fifteen.

"I like yellow" Lily said, still smiling that small tortured smile.

I saw how Lily sat on the stone floor with eyes feasting on her reflection, still holding the standing Severus hand. Severus observed the sitting Lily for a while before he became dragged with her in sitting position, both their eyes turned glassy by observing a reflection I couldn't see. They spent minutes in front of the mirror, admiring the sight in front of them still with their hands locked and shoulders pressed. When the candles burnet halfway and the glimmer in the room stared to fade away Lily kissed Severus on the cheek. Slowly, friendly and tenderly.

"I know I kissed you like that that in your reflection earlier" Lily whispered softly and rested her head on Severus available shoulder. "You kissed me like that too"

Severus looked stricken but Lily didn't take notice.

"It might not be the future but it is the best thing I've ever seen" Lily added with the same soft tone in her voice.

Severus looked at their joined fingers on his lap and nodded. His greasy head rested on top of Lilys auburn red hair. They both smiled to themselves, their bliss over each other's company shining with clarity in the little light left in the room. Severus sighted, yearning, and let his deep blacks go as glassy as Lilys passionate greens.

--- --- --- --- ---

**

* * *

A/N: **My favorite piece, I adore this piece of memory very much. I hope I did the idea justice though. _Thank you for reading yet another one._


	12. XI: Dame in Distress

_Discl: The work of J.K.R in the book Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows is quoted in the chapter below. I do not own any of the material quoted._

_  
_**A/N:** This story needed some fire in it so … I took my old idea to use in this chapter, you do have to comment the twist in this… no more talking from my part about it.  
Do inspire me though because frankly, I am on edge of trashing this, this _thing_ – my sweet chapter fic baby.

* * *

_(Contains, a lot of Next Gen, the answer to why the book cursed James Sirius Potter, Lily Potter in a foul mood, Lily Luna in a lazy state, two secrets and only one of them is a breathing thing.)_

XI:  
**Dame in distress**

**.**

"Oi – cousin," I heard an unwelcomed voice yell from the living room. How I loathed the never ending floo network that always found a way to disturb my sleep. I preferred broomstick but not my cousins; floo was the thing to use to annoy the only one who chose to live on the muggle side of London.

"In here," I yelled back to whoever interrupted my sleep. Into my room stepped Rose Weasley with a black plastic bag in her hand and a cheeky expression that let me know that she enjoyed this morning torture.

"Lily, it's almost three o clock, I know its new years eve but you sleep too much!" Rose said rapidly and tidied my room with her feet instead of caring for my reply or objection, "Oh, and hi by the way."

I was busy admiring her laughing face that the bushy red hair framed carefully instead of answering her properly. Roses laughter died out but her blue eyes still smiled at my dumbstruck face.

"Have I told you that you are beautiful lately?" I asked, not knowing where that came from.  
Rose looked suspiciously at the little piece of me I revealed from the under the sheets but she burst out in laughter and blushed reddish across her cheeks just like Uncle Charlie did.

"I don't know, with Auror exams, Healing exams… the question should be have you ever met me lately?" Rose countered, "There isn't a boy taking my time, is it?"

I thought about it, for a split second and answered her truthfully, "No, no boy – but you're still beautiful."

"Too bad, but thank you. If I'm beautiful then so are you – we all look alike don't we?" Rose said proudly still shoving my mess around with her feet.

"Not entirely," I stated and watched her crash onto my bed happily with the black plastic bag in her hand. "You are slightly cuter but I still have the Quidditch advantage to brag about."

"Oh shh you!"

I've missed Rose, if Hugo was my best friend Rose was the big sister I always begged Mum to give me. She was the one who taught me about boys, the one who scolded them when they treated me badly, the one who charmed Dads newspaper when a slightly embarrassing picture of me and a certain _someone_ on one knee circulated and even supported me when I decided to tie myself to the beech tree mugglestyle with the extreme Hufflepuffs as a protest to house rivalry, basically she did anything a big sister would do.

"What's in there anyways?" I asked her, still under my covers.

Rose eyes shone towards the black plastic bag, "I am _so_ glad you asked. This is your potential New Year dress. There is this charity ball for New Year and as usual we are all on the guest list."

"No surprise there," I interrupted.

"Let me continue please Lily, as much as you despite _fame _and all that comes with it we could actually do something," Rose started and fumbled a little with the shiny pin she had on her traveling coat. "You're avoiding it enough by being in Muggle London and not subscribing to the Daily Prophet anyways so what is _one_ New Year with the cameras going to do you?"

"Fine, what are we changing or helping, what am I wearing and so on," I nagged.

"The magical animal rights, this dress in the bag or you could follow me out and shop for a new one?" Rose asked joyfully. "If you have some time to spend I mean."

I looked at her, my big sister, and I felt that somehow I had to go out with her, drink tea at a small shop, being forced into all kind of dresses and listen to her healing or activist talk but there was something that wanted me badly. Or that I wanted to want me badly.

"I'm sorry, but I have much to catch up with after the break with the Extended Auror training and…" my lie trailed off.

"I figured that much out," Rose said smiling and stood up from my bed to straighten out her traveling coat. "I'll leave you to it while I find the 'it' dress, ten sharp. I have a surprise. Oh, and wear that dress with a pony tail – it looks better that way."

"It dress, Ten sharp, surprise, pony tail. Got it!" I repeated and smiled towards a waving Rose that Apparted out of my room.

I sat up in my bed and pulled it out from under my covers. How shamefully I thought but I had to stand up Rose for this, I needed this and Lily Potter had secrets I needed to know.  
With rufsy hair, a regretful mind, curious mornings eyes on the bindings of the book and a wand in my hand I did the ritual to open the book.

.

_Dear Secretbook  
I'll get right to the point. I won't write a lot but I have two things to hide.  
Secret number one – I don't want Sev to know that Potter read too many things of those I wrote, it might get ugly.  
Secret number two – I don't approve of Sev's new found fascination or friends. I thought they were strictly theoretical at first but I'm not sure that it will stay like that._

_I pour two memories in here, two I'm hiding from Sev, Potter and perhaps myself.  
Those two will do.  
Lily._

_._

The first memory I found myself drowning into was played out in the Gryffindor common room and I stood at the top of the stairs, glancing down at a particular odd scene. The familiarity of the Gryffindor Common room with the velvet sofas in deep reds, the fire sparking comfortably in the middle of the room and the few students left sitting in various corners of the room buried in different papers or books was crushed by the sight of the often kind and sensitive Lilys flare-up.

"Potter!" shrieked Lily two steps down the stairs. I looked down at James on the bottom of the steps with guilt written all over his face and both hands behind his back.

"Evans," James said too softly.

Lily rushed down the steps rapidly and James started to run around the common room sofas with the black book in his hand. He got hold of the secrets; but why did Lily fear him reading it? It wouldn't open for him either way.

"Give that back!" Lily said and tried to ambush James behind a velvet red couch.

"So you wanted to kiss Snivellus?" James tone disguised and jealous, he flipped a page in the book and let his eyes widen,"You kissed Child-Snivellus!"

Lilys eyes were burning now,"You read my book?!"

"You shouldn't leave it in the common room if you didn't want it to be read Evans" James said with a cocky tone and waved Lilys black book in the sky.

"I was going to get a quill!" Lily exploded and analyzed the room quickly with her eyes, it was clear she calculated before she draw her wand at seconds before James did.

"Evans. Don't make me hex you," James said carefully, his wand shaking slightly.

"Give back my book Potter," Lily replied dangerously, her wand pointed too close to James heart.

"So how was Snivellus when you pecked around as kids, did his nose get in the way?" said James and took it too far when tilted his head to the left and smirked, "I didn't read the whole page after but last words were _quite_ awful. You? A bad kisser? I doubt that."

Lilys eyes were slits, "Potter…"

"I could be your first little kiss if you let me," James said, grinning a million galleons smile."I could train you too if you'd like?"

I didn't react as quickly as they did – meaning that my Auror training was a total waist – because there was a purple flash shooting out of Lilys wand and James ducked quickly, stood up and shot the same kind of purple towards Lily who reshot it. Both of them fell to the floor like stones, limbs wrapped in purple threads and curses filling the almost empty common room. Somehow nobody in the common room made a remark about the ongoing duel between these two.

"Sorry Evans but you left me no choice," said James, still grinning in his defeated state.

I started to get very annoyed by him and so did Lily. "Choice, Ha – can't you just admit that you have no moral in your body?"

James kept grinning towards the carpet he laid on, "Why yes, I can admit that I have no moral what so ever but on the other hand I wouldn't find out your deepest wishes".

I saw how Lilys eyes narrowed down so much that the green pools looked dangerously black,  
"What are you trying at Potter?"

James hesitated before he spoke and I saw him blush slightly against the red carpet."That black haired boy you dream of –"

Lily yelled out loud, she had probably awoken the whole Gryffindor tower by her voice and stood up, released from the spell James put upon her.

"Weak spell," Lily mocked and walked towards the cursed James knee to get the book that lied there, "Surely you could've cursed me better like you do to any Slytherin passing your way?"

"I didn't want to hurt you," James explained more to the red carpet his face was turned towards than Lily's teary eyes.

I watched Lily examine James for a good while and regaining composure in both eyes and voice before she spat, "Like you care Potter", and turned to walk out of the common room with James slowly twiching his way out of her fully preformed curse.

Lily walked straight out of the portrait hole into the empty hall; the rage was visible throughout her body while she rushed towards the corridor that would lead her three corridors away.

"Evans!" yelled James in front of the Fat Ladys portrait with arms stretched out. "Lily Evans."

Lily froze at the end of the hall with me almost crashing into her.  
"What is it?" Lily spat furiously but didn't turn around.

"I do care," James said matter-of-factly, "I like you a lot but you won't date me."

"Care?" Lily turned around, gritted teeth, fixed stare and her wand dangerously playing between her fingers. "You go around, passing curfew, skipping class, embarrass me, loose house points, hexing anyone who look at you twice until they end up in the hospital wing and never take anything seriously and you say that you care?!"

"I care about _you,_" James groaned, one hand over his forehead like he's been through this conversation with Lily before.

"YOU DON'T CARE!" Lily yelled, "You would never hex Severus if you cared!"  
She turned around, leaving me in chock and James in a state of chock and hesitation.

"You're meeting Snivellus aren't you?" James accused finally, yelling to her back "Fraternizing with the enemy, aren't we?"

"It's Severus for Merlins sake!" Lily burst, turning around with both hands on her hips and two eyes dangerously at James, "Enemy? He is more my friend than you'll ever be!"

"He is not even a Gryffindor!" said James harshly.

"Slytherin for all I care but he is still more mature than you'll ever be." Lily blazed, "Grow up Potter!"

"Really, well, ask Snivellus how got himself almost killed by crawling in the tunnel bellow Whomping Willow playing the supervising adult," James mocked, laughing rather unnaturally he continued, "How's that for growing up Evans?"

Lilys anger flashed out of all her features, both her hands went to her mouth and her eyes were showing of nothing but chock and fright.

"What – how did? I…" Lily shuddered, "Who saved him?"

James fists clenched, his mischievous browns darkened and his faces features twisted into something that resembled a madman's look, "I did" he told her and turned around to enter the portrait hole again, leaving Lily with the fresh fright of almost losing her best friend to death plastered all over her face.

The Fat Ladys complains started to buss while the Hall where the scene played out turned dizzy and dim. The scene dissolved and so did we.

.

"I know your theory," said Lily, and she sounded cold. "Why are you so obsessed with them, anyway?" Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

The new scene started on the grounds of Hogwarts, it was defiantly past curfew and along Lily was Severus, husking closely next to Lily while she swayed across the grounds with a self-confident walk that made both me and Severus feel unworthy of her presence.

"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."  
The intensity of his faze made her blush.

Still, I thought that with all that confidence, intelligence and fire in her Severus made her blush, rethink and feel outsmarted at times but she never dropped her morals.

"They don't use Dark Magic, though." She dropped her voice. "And you're being really ungrateful. I head what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there –"

Severus face contorted and he spluttered, "Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you – "

"Let me? Let me?", Lilys green eyes narrowed down dangerously and Severus seemed to think off another approach to tell her what he really wanted to say.

"I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of – he fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" Severus said struggling with letting the words form in his mouth. "And he's not… Everyone thinks… Big Quidditch hero –" Severus tone was dripping of bitterness while Lily rose her eyebrows slowly.

"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," Lily said, "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber and Avery's idea of humour is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."

Severus didn't take notice of Lilys remark at all but continued to walk next to her calmly across the grounds until they reached a small hill over viewing the forbidden forest. The darkness of the night swooped over them carefully and the clouds above them were plotting something against this peaceful night.

"Potter read _them_ by the way," Lily said darkly and reached out her black book to Severus. Severus fingers trailed over the bindings of the book and looked directly at Lily.

"He can't enter the memories you put there" Severus assured her. "Only you can"

Lily looked slightly relieved. "Are you sure… because he knew _things"_

"What _things?_" Severus eyes narrowed a bit and observed Lily's face carefully before he chose to utter his words, "Things I don't know about?"

"No, course not" Lily scoffed, "It's just… I don't know. Maybe this was bad."

"I could put some spells on it, regular protective spells," Severus looked at his wand and towards the black book, "If you'd still want the book."

I watched the book that Lily was rather attached to, that I was rather attached to and watched her nod, smiling vaguely towards Severus who rolled up his sleeves to prepare himself to start casing protective spells. His slim, pale arms looked very controlling when they held the wand pointed, "Have you heard of magical diaries?"

"Yeah, Mary has one," Lily said while she observed her diary carefully, "I reckon that this isn't one?"

"No" Severus shrugged, "But I could make it somewhat better than one".

Lily showed real interest when Severus started to mumble a series of curses and hexes towards the black beaten book.

"There, three questions an intruder have to ask," Severus said, looking towards Lily who was awoken from observing Severus, "And of course the natural enemy won't be allowed access but will be stricken by a small curse I designed."

"Really, nice Sev" Lily said impressed, "Who did you make my natural enemy?"

"Who read the book unauthorized?" Severus said wryly.

"James Potter," Lily scoffed, making Severus smile towards her.

The dark grey clouds above them were slowly preparing for their scheme, Lily and Severus sat in silence most of the time, sometimes sharing a sigh, a glance in secret, a hidden thought of a feeling but mostly observing each other or the night sky, when the small drips of rain started to prickle down from the night sky, causing me even to feel the coldness and the wet sensation of them, they both left the small hill and walked towards the castle. As they went silently into the Entrance Hall they parted, not hugging nor shaking on it but silently walking away from each other and sharing a mutual understanding, Severus clutching his wand as he disappeared into the dark corridors he feared his enemies hid in and Lily clutching her Secret book as she stepped towards the comfort of the Gryffindor Common room.

.

_Lily_

.

.

I finally came out from the memory and found myself in the same bed I woke up from, imagining or having damp hair. The only difference from when I entered the memory, my hair excluded, was that the light that snuck itself in through the window this morning was gone. It was pitch black and I stared at the alarm clock next to my bed. Ten moons, four shifts and …

_Bollocks._  
I was running late, not excusably late.

The black plastic bag rested on my bed where Rose had left it and I stood up, dragged the black bag with me into the shower and shut the door. A good ten minutes later I stepped out the shower, put up my hair in a pony tail with a black ribbon and faced the black plastic bag to reveal the horror Rose was forcing me to wear.

I expected _anything_ but this.

It was simply black, tight and a bit shorter than Mum, Dad, James and Albus might like. I put it on but there was nothing more revealing than the length of the dress and the breeze against my back was highly uncomfortable. I realized when I stood in front of my full body mirror in the hallway that it was an open back dress. I never wear open back anything.  
_Oh, damn you Rose_.  
I might have mentioned it once before but I never _told_ anyone except Rose… The secret? I have a tattoo below my neck that is often hidden by my hair. It was silly really so I won't reveal what it is and I could remove it with a whip of my wand or a Medi-wizards aid but I thought that was a bit…cowardly and I am a Gryffindor. Anyhow, a couple of strokes of makeup and a pair of high heels later I was all done, dressed and revealing a tattoo I would get my head chopped off for, sighing I Apparated.

So late.

.

.

So dead.

"Ten sharp!" Rose yelled in the middle of the ballroom. The press wasn't late taking photos of the rage I called Rose Weasley.

"Oh I was busy – I am so sorry… it's not like I missed anything," I yelled furiously.

Rose Weasley rolled her eyes dramatically and burst out."No, you just missed the speech I held to honor our family and _you."_

"Godrics sword Rose, I didn't know – why on earth would you want to honor me?"

"BEATS ME!" Rose yelled and I realized that my luck was running out.

Our family members closed up to the scene. Freddy and Hugo were busy fighting with the press surrounding us, James and Horsia were trying to calm the chocked crowds, Hermione was fighting Ron for cursing at Roses behavior and Mum was standing at Roses side to use her Weasley spuriousness to try to calm down Rose. Dad approached me with Albus tailing behind him to split the fight.

"You know what – I don't need _this_," I spat towards Rose.

Her redness took over her face. "Do you have time for anything anymore, even Hugo says that you are too busy to drink with him. Since when was Lily _Potter_ too busy to drink?"

I blinked. "You have no right to judge me your shallow –"

"Enough Lily, I won't let you do this," Albus said with two arms stretched out between us.

My fury rose extremely high now, "Let me? Let me? No listen Sev, I do not need to take…"

"Sev?" I heard my Dads voice from behind my back. He placed his hands on my bare arm and twirled me around.  
_Sev_.  
"I said Al"  
"No, you said Sev."  
"Al."  
"Lily."  
"I meant Al."  
"But you said _Sev_," Dads eyes narrowed slightly. "Is there something you aren't telling me?"

I was uncomfortable with this new silence that filled the ballroom, all eyes were plastered on me and Rose and the only thing I heard was cameras taking shots every second and my Dads quick breaths.

"No," I lied and looked at Dads questioning eyes.

"Very well," Dad answered doubtfully and let my arm go. "And I prefer that you hide that tattoo before your mother sees it" he added, nodding to my Mum who hugged furious Rose tightly and left the scene, pushing his way through the cameras that followed him until he Apparted out of the room.

I ran out of the ballroom, between tables where rich ladies and men were sitting and feasting on our family problems, passing a bar I could easily have swallowed in one sitting and towards the door with cameras following me like hungry dogs.

I _had_ to turn around and I _had_ to stand up for myself.

"If any of you follow me any longer I will curse you until I end up in Azkaban," I exploded in the lobby, causing the cameras to take even more shots in my defeated state and by that buying myself a series of rants and articles in tomorrow's papers.

They followed me out on the street where fireworks were loudly forming different kinds of animals in all the possible colors I could imagine. I stood freezing, cursing and almost crying in the middle of the street until a white limo drove up to me and rolled down its tainted window and revealed a smiling face I only recognized from some secret dreams I had.

"I never thought that I would see you here," his soft voice said. "Then again if I didn't I wouldn't be here to rescue a dame in distress."

His black hair was carefully put back and his eyes were matching his dark hair. The black eyes glittered in the light of fireworks and cameras I noted and got lost in them somewhere until he broke into a smirk containing a line of white straight teeth.

"Are you jumping in or do you prefer to stand in the cold looking like the prettiest idiot on the face of the earth?" he asked, his eyes were moving up and down towards my inappropriate outside clothes now – to my defense you don't mind the coat when you are trying to escape the cameras or the fury that the Weasleys were – his fixed gaze made me feel like a million.

I don't know if I smiled or looked stupid but I opened the door, jumped into the white Limo and somehow found myself sitting only inches from someone who always made my blood rise, my hands sweat and my mind to lose its touch to reality.

"Sean Nott, long time, no see," I heard my voice say more seductively than I might want it too.

His black eyes glittered back towards me without the light of cameras or fireworks,  
"About time we met then".

* * *

**So -- feedback**, is it good, is it bad, is it ready to be thrown away, should I print it out and give it to my parents who doesn't know anything about Harry Potter.  
_what should I do?_  
Godrics.. I'm having a fanfiction-breakdown. (And do admit that Sean Nott sounds kind of hot ;) doesn't he?)

_Thank you for reading this one to..  
__Lumos Maximum._


	13. XII: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

XII:  
**Two steps forward, one step back.**

* * *

_"You look like a million – I've missed you L"  
"Sean… don't start"  
"Please let me, you know I would do anything for you"  
Stolen glances, burning eyes and traces of tears in both pairs.  
"We have to move on"  
Silence. A turn, another turn and a stop in front of a red light that fills the car.  
"I remember when you did this one?"  
A cold finger trailing against a naked neck, following a carefully done tattoo of a snake hiding in a lily on a bare back.  
"I do too"  
"Remember the one I made for you?"  
Same fingers unbuttoning a shirt, revealing a chest many nights been spent on.  
Another pair of fingers trail over a roaring lion, tattooed over a heart that the lion guards.  
"I try to forget"  
The traffic light turns reptile green and the engines roar.  
The countdown to one starts somewhere in a radio far away.  
Ten.  
Nine.  
Eight.  
Cold fingers trails over a cheek, warm ones over a chest.  
Seven.  
Six.  
Same cold ones memorizes a pair of lips, the warm ones finds their way into slick black hair.  
Five.  
Four.  
Bodies are pressed towards each other, desperately clinging onto the past.  
Three.  
Foreheads meet, eyes meet, souls clash into each other.  
Two.  
And a kiss was shared before countdown ends._

_._

_._

_.  
_

The vague memory of Sean Nott, a few glasses of champagne, a white limo and a snake and a lion was what woke me up this January the first. That and Hugo with a glass of water in his hands tilting towards my face.  
"You Weasleys have to stop invading my bloody home" I yelled and regretted it quickly. The headache was blazing.

"If you care _Potter_ you would get a floo alert" Hugo snapped.

I sat up in my bed – no this was my sofa, Roses black dress was on my body and my left shoe was dangling of my feet. My neck was stiff but my tone was stiffer, "Lily Luna"

"I don't care" Hugo said coldly and handed me a magazine I rarely read for obvious reasons, "I hope you're quite pleased, I'll go and fix us some tea"

My eyes scanned the headlines of The Daily Prophet and I groaned.  
LILY POTTER AND ROSE WEASLEY: FIGHT ABOUT BEAUTY

"But this is _not_ true" I burst out towards the kitchen where Hugo was busy.

Hugo scoffed. "Don't mind that, mind page five"

I flipped through the pages and noted that they had made a special about my family in today's issue. My dad and Rose was sharing page two, both hunted down for comments concerning the fight, Hermione and Ron was fighting on page three, James cursed a fat and puffy man that grabbed Horsia on page four and on page five was a awful picture of me, escaping into a limo with the headline: LILY POTTER AND MYSTERIOUS LOVER SPOTTED!

"When did James curse a man?" I yelled (I had to ask) and dragged myself into my kitchen where Hugo sat with a cup in his hand and another one in front of him waiting for me.  
Hugo looked rather unpleased when I stepped in my evening attire and the magazine in my hand,"That is not the point. Did you escape with Nott or not?"

I giggled, it was funny. Nott or not. Me in a dress, memory flashes of escaping with Sean Nott… or not. It was extremely funny, all of it.

"You did Lily, didn't you?"

Here is the story with Nott, we dated from end of the sixth year throughout Hogwarts, fell madly in love, lived together and then came the day -- only two months before I moved out to my own flat -- he proposed to me and I declined. Don't ask me why though – until this day I don't know for sure. All I know was that since then I've asked myself why and I know that the reasons I had wasn't enough to leave him.

"What if I did escape with him?"  
"Then I don't care anymore" Hugo eyes narrowed, "Did you ever think of Jacob?"

Hugo! How could I forget Jacob? How could I forget his deep blues, the little glittering spot of gray that made me curious, his messy brown hair and the scar running across his face? The tenderness he treated me with, the insecurity he had when he was around me, his killing sincerity and the perfect piece in my family puzzle made me squirm with glee.  
So, while sitting in Notts limo with him stroking a hand through my hair, paralyzing my body with his black eyes, sending shivers through every vein by his soft tone and his cold fingers across my cheek, my nose, my lips, my… well, how could I forget Jacob?

"No, I didn't think of him at all" I admitted.

Hugo looked disgusted at me; sometimes I thought that it was more Hugo than me who fell for Jacob."Fine." He snapped, "Get up, wash off the smudged makeup and follow me. You have to apologize to Rose"

I blinked. "Apologize?"

"I don't care what _you_ do against Jacob, he do read The Daily Prophet in Romania too you know. But Rose didn't deserve to be called shallow yesterday"

"So it's okay to call me a bloody drunk in front of the whole high class society of Wizards." I spat, "People I work with, family friends, students from school and even Sean?"

"Why do you care about Nott? He wasn't even there"

"Don't change the subject Hugo"

Our eyes killed each other behind the cups of boiling hot tea and finally it looked like I won.  
Hugo put his cup down at the table with a little more force than needed. "I'll tell her that you are sorry then"

"Why tell lies?"

Hugo stood up, looked at me rather unpleasant and levitated his cup to the sink before he spoke, "Who are you?"

With that he Apparated away, far war away. Leaving me with a cup of tea, not strong enough to cure a headache, a lost cousin, a hurt best friend and the thought of sweet Jacob and especially of the small wonder that was called Nott.

_--- --- --- --- ---_

_15, April, 1975_

_  
Oh, that is because Potter just asked me if he could take me dancing – Telling me that he wanted to make up for the lost date (A date I never agreed to) on my birthday.  
I refused of course because it was Potter, I had morals and I have a secret.  
I have two (left) feet but I cannot dance.  
That is my secret.  
I remember watching my mum and dad dance to a record last summer. They even asked me if I wanted to join but I didn't know the theory behind the steps or how you were suppose to move so I let them dance while I hummed their favorite song.  
I really wished that I could dance. Like all the movies Petunia and I used to copy but especially like mum and dad when they floated around to any tune playing looking so...happy?_

If I ever learn how to float like a princess I will pour the memory here so it won't be a secret. It will be knowledge.  
--- --- --- --- ---

My ergs of hiding from a fight took me into Lily's uncomplicated life, I found myself landing with bare feet on tickling grass. The night had fallen upon the grounds, leaving Hogwarts in a pale lighting.  
"I have a secret –" was the first voice, belonging to Lily, that I heard as I approached her habitually.

"I do not read minds for the last time Lily!" Severus burst, loud enough for me to hear it from my distance. Clearly this was a common conversation between them and they were on the edge of fighting.

I wanted to pull out immediately if they did.

"I know, hear me out." Lily said carefully, looking amazing and soft in her considerate state, "I have a secret that I want to share"

Lily and Severus was leaning on the beechtree in front of the still lake and I crashed next to them. I felt the smell of grass from the grounds, flowers from the blossoming trees around us and peach shampoo from Lilys hair. I do not recall feeling any smells previously but I do not recall sitting this close to memory Lily either, only a stretched out hand from her, a hand I wanted to stretch out desperately but I did not touch her, of fright of messing with the memory but when I sat next to her and rolled my eyes as she repeated her statement.

"I have a secr -- are you listening mister?"

"Uh, forgive me. I was busy looking at the moon" Severus trailed off voice said and observed the moon carefully.

"Drop the theories" Lily said offensively.

"I didn't even – I was just." Severus said and looked away. "Never mind"

"I'm sorry" Lily said carefully, knowing that she overdid her case.

"Forgive me too" Severus replied.

I was not sure of what it was that caused them to fight but both of them tensed up. I only knew that the moon was the trigger and these two had no connection to the moon, at least what I knew.

"Repeat your secret" Severus asked after a while and Lily was reminded of it another time.

"It's a silly one… but I cannot dance" Lily said as it was the biggest secret revealed so far.

"Is that a secret?" Severus asked very curious and ironically.

"It is to me" Lily scoffed.

"Uhm, okay. I can't dance either I guess…" Severus said while wrinkling his eyebrows to make him look very old and tapped towards his skull. "But I lock those kind of important wizard world secrets in the Gringotts of my mind"

Lily chuckled, "Oh stop being so sarcastic Sev"

Severus shot her a rare smile.

"I am invited to a wedding – muggle one of course but I don't know how to dance! I told mum that you were taught that in Hogwarts so I could get out of ballroom classes with Tun—Petunia but we don't get courses here. I am doomed" Lily explained to a Severus that tried to process this information though is mind into saying something helpful with his lips that had the rare smile plastered across his lips.

"We could go to the library tomorrow to look at theories" Severus suggested and despite my thoughts of that being a lousy idea Lily liked it.

"Really?" Lily asked happily, "I guess we could do some research"

"If you'd like" Severus replied.

"I would – but…" Lily started and started to finger at the hem of her pants.

"But?" Severus said questioning her sudden embarrassment.

"But I think that is a thing you should practice" Lily said with a newly found interest on the hem of her pants.

Severus did the wrinkled eyebrow look towards Lily that made her smile and I couldn't help to think that this was an odd couple and inseparable. Lily was blazing fire herself with composure and goodness in her while Severus was the calm water with poise and hidden darkness in him but in each other's company they seemed to be a boy and a girl and that was that. The odd boy in the black robes and mishandled appearance was just a boy in the company of the cute girl with the hidden bookworm mind hidden by colorful auburn hair.

"I am sure that I told you that I couldn't dance" Severus said to Lily assuring. "And I am sure that you told me that you could neither"

His fingeres were playing with the grass they both sat in while Lily fingered with the hem of her pants. She hesitated a couple of times, shaking her hair lightly to flush me over with the smell of peach shampoo before she spoke, "But we'll try it – well, if Potter and posy doesn't come and taunt us for standing on the grounds dancing"

Severus looked longing and happily at the moon instead of bitterly, the light played beautifully on the water and made the newly appearing waves shift between pale white and dark blue. "They won't come" Severus finally said and Lily turned a suspicious eye towards the same moon he looked at.

"So you will dance with me?" Lily asked Severus after analyzing the moons different whites and Severus was brought back to earth's current events.

"I cannot dance" Severus stated but continued his denial, "besides, there is no music"

Lily smiled, straight white teeth lurking between pink lips that were drained of color in the moonlight.  
"Neither can I" Lily said simply and stood up, leaving my side and Severus with his fingers in the grass.

Lily offered her hand to the seated Severus and added, "and I'll sing, if you don't mind"

Severus seemed to consider this for short amount of time before he grabbed her hand to pull himself up from his place in the shadows of the beech tree.  
"I do not mind"

Lily grabbed his hand and placed it on her lower back and Severus crooked smile came to live, not as brightly as Lilys but with the expression of his face it might as well be. Severus even took Lilys hand in his before she could put it there herself and this left Lily a bit shocked but she smiled towards Severus that seemed a bit nervous. Lily started to hum on a song I haven't heard and I could tell two things, she was neither a dancer nor a singer. Severus however floated somehow to the music Lily produced in the darkness.

I felt the pull, taking me away from the memory but I couldn't leave – I didn't want to return to my world so I fought it. It was mind against mind, her desire to end her memory, possibly from me and my will of seeing her memory and creating new memories for myself but mostly hide from my bitter ones. I heard her name ending the memory and I felt a violent pull from the outer world, the pull intended for me.

***  
_Princesses dance, and I want to feel like a princess.  
Even if it is just for one day.  
Lily  
***_

I fought it; I fought it and felt ill, hurt and wounded by stupid intruding manner. Much like the first time I entered Lilys memories but somehow, I managed to stay. Maybe she let me or maybe I was supposed to be here, it didn't matter because I stayed and they stood there dancing, Lily a bit clumsily and Severus a bit stiffly but they moved.

"But you know how to move" Lily said a bit amazed and stumbled a bit when Severus turned her in a half circle and drew her a bit closer to him to firm his loosening grip.

"Not much, just the theory but I never put it to practice" Severus said and Lily went for a surprise dip with Severus holding her up, flushed by the turn of events and scared that he might drop her.

This moment seemed somehow too intimidate for me to observe, there was no kissing experiments or sharing dreams or even secrets but they seemed somehow falling or floating in this moment. If they could glitter and shine, they would.

I watched Lily laugh with her head down in the dip and Severus struggle not to drop her on the soft grass. When she turned up from her little dip with her hair over her face she shook it quickly to be able to see the grinning Severus.

"I think your dance partner will find you amusing if you go for dips out of nowhere and comeback to shake your hair that wildly" Severus said, obviously joking as a first.

"You think?" Lily said smiling and Severus turned her again and pulled her closer to him to get a better hold of Lily. Lily continued to hum on her little melody while Severus mumbled the word 'peaches' towards Lily, causing her to pause her humming to chuckle towards the delighted Severus.

I watched Lily snuggled in closer to Severus and rested her head comfortably on his shoulder.

"Best friend?" I heard Lily start sincerely. "I told you had to practice it" Lily whispered somewhat muffled by Severus embrace.

"I guess you have to" Severus whispered back and carefully placed his head on hers.

The moonlight lid up the trees, the water and the two of them as they improvised some bad twirling clumsily while Lily started to hum an offbeat and poorly sounding melody. By the look of Severus content face this was the sweetest melody he'd ever heard.

_---_

_

* * *

_

Reviews are more than appriciated.  
Lumos Maximum


	14. XII: Our Tears

Things from J. masterpiece is being quoted here. I do not own that.

Okay, I've been trying to clean this fic up grammatically so after that work (and the other smaller fics I've been busy writing) here we are.

Nevertheless, enjoy.**  
Lumos Maximum**

**

* * *

**

_If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.  
~Toni Morrison_

* * *

XIII:

**Our tears**

**.**

Jacob was going to floo himself from Romania to be with me only two days after"the Daily Prophet" incident. We needed to"talk" according to his poorly written owl he said. It was going to be romantic and special, not the "talk" but what came afterwards.

I made dinner, failed and re-ordered dinner from the muggle restaurant four blocks away, lit candles in the kitchen and I even decorated the living room with candles and (plastic) flowers. The smell of pasta filled my flat and I smelled my new perfume, I even bothered to slip into a blue satin dress that ended right above my knees. I felt good, I felt wonderful in my blue dress, bathing in my new perfume for more Galleons than it should have cost, my hair in curls and my make up done perfectly. I would tell that the Daily Prophet incident was complete bollocks, that a certain Nott was not a friend of mine and that the whole thing was just a way to shoot the New Year editions copies up the roofs. Jacob would have kissed me, told me that Thestrals were fantastic, bought me a floo-alert and ask me to be his girlfriend. We would have three babies, all with brown hair and none of them would be named after someone dissented.

It would have gone perfectly brilliant if Noberta didn't have an episode involving heart-failure and randomly exploding fireballs so Jacob had to supervise and run late. Even more brilliant if Nott didn't floo himself to my house to "talk" and "apologize" for the events from New Years but saw candles and me in a dress and had one of his top one hundred fits that made me remember one of the reasons I didn't marry him.

Point is it _would_ have been a perfect night, with Jacob, with pasta and with perfume and satin.

Instead Jacob found me crying on the bathroom floor at midnight, make-up smudged all over my face, hair tangled instead of curled and my blue dress wrinkled up so high that the nylon hem on my left legs was showing.

It was the calling of my name, with his caring voice that dragged me out and made me realize and that I didn't deserve him at all and I would die bitter, alone and most importantly as a unloved ex-famous and hated old bat. His presence along with the soft callings made me cry. Again.  
.

.

_May 28, 1975_

.

_  
Dear Secretbook.  
I probably won't need this anymore because I won't fear that my thoughts will be read by anyone close to me. Why? Because I will never be close to Severus again – ever.  
._

_  
_It was a sunny Hogwarts day. I found Lily dipping her feet in the dark blue lake with a girl I never saw in her memories – no secrets – before. The sun burned above their heads and they seemed relaxed over something. It was May so I reasoned that it was the OWLs time at Hogwarts.

"I had difficulties with question ten," the girl I didn't know the name at started. Her brown hair was braided into a long plaid and she let her slim arms splash some water. She narrowed her light brown eyes to focus at something, opened her fully lips and shut them tightly when she decided to not speak. After doing that a couple of times I thought that the beautiful girl was a bit loony. "I mean, this is life changeling and all… but I didn't remember for the love of Merlin". She exhaled rather heavily but didn't seem to care anymore about it when she stretched out on the grass with her feet in the water. The sun made it glitter and Lily wiggling her toes in it made small waves appears around her legs.

"Mary, we stayed up all night rehearsing that! There are the pupils of the eyes, the tufted tail of course, the snout…" But Lily didn't finish her sentence she looked up towards the beech tree were most students did their studying during the summertime. I looked up there too to see what caught her interest. Under the beech tree sat a mousy-haired and short boy next to a taller brown-haired and pale boy that seemed consumed by a book rather than the unpleasant scene that played out between the beech three. The only thing I saw was three black-haired boys, two wands and I heard rage.

There was a loud yell that sounded a lot like the curse Impedimenta from one of the black-haired boys. Two of the boys approached the third while the crowd laughed and one of them looked back, the one with the messy hair. James Potter.

Mary sat up, watched at the same direction that Lily and I was looking at and commented the view to make me realize what was happening over there. "James and Sirius are at Snivellus again I see."

"It's Severus," Lily snapped and stood up, feet dripping so she mumbled a quick spell and slipped into her socks and shoes quickly. I followed her to the scene like a curious dog with his owner. I hadn't seen Lily walk this quickly or look this upset before so I kept my distance in case of explosion.

When we closed up to the scene I saw a rather handsome boy that I identified as Sirius with black hair falling carefully around his face and framing his strong features. His gray eyes reminded me of rock and the way he carried himself was as strongly as it too -- if not a bit too superior.

"Wash your mouth," said the other boy, James Potter coldly. "Scourgify!"

At their feet lay Severus, cursed and hexed until defeat with pink bubbles streaming out of his mouth at once. He looked like he was suffocating from where I stood. I was so taken back by the evilness of my grandfather towards the boy I gotten to know through Lily that I forgot where Lilys place in this memory would be.

"Leave him ALONE!" She yelled, causing both James and Sirius to turn around and stare at her. My jaw dropped by the loud and superior tone her voice now became.

"All right, Evans?" said James with a more mature tone than he had when he threatened Severus.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated and looked at James with so much hate in her eyes that it made me shiver down my spine. "What's he done to you?" Lily added, a question I wanted an answer too. I knew that Severus had much hate for James by now but humiliating him in front of the school like that had to have something with what Severus had done.

"Well," said James and took a second to formulate an appropriate answer. "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

The crowd laughed, all of them that stood and witnessed the scene but not the boy buried in the book by the three (although his friend roared) and neither did Lily. I felt so much hate at the boy wearing the surname Potter, a name filled with pride and respect for people.

"You think you're funny," Lily said as coldly as James when he spoke to Severus. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag Potter. Leave him _alone."_

_  
_I couldn't understand how during this time neither James nor Sirius hadn't laid an eye on Severus behind them that seemed to regain some strength and started to crawl, instead they looked at Lily fascinated and James a bit absentminded too.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans" said James quickly " Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

From that moment I knew that James Potter blood running through both Dad, James, Albus and me was what made us somewhat courageous. I would never have dreamed of saying anything remotely towards someone looking so aggravated and fierce as Lily looked standing in front of James.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

I couldn't help myself, I laughed so badly that I didn't catch what Sirius was saying and then the events unfolded themselves at once.

Severus had cursed James to make a huge gash splatter blood all over his robes, I was suddenly reminded that this was the same spell that hit my brother James when he tried to open Lilys book! My realization that Severus managed to strike two James Potter with the same curse intrigued me a bit but quickly enough James had taken his revenge by making Severus hover by his ankles with his robes falling over his head. This may have been Severus fantasy but James had him hover like that, not the other way around. Severus fought his robes and I saw a moment of weakness from Lily's furious face, there was this twitch on her lips that fought a smile when she looked at James roaring along with his friends at Severus misery but she quickly came back to her senses.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," said James and with a wand movement Severus fell to the ground with his robes in a mess. He detangled himself rather quickly from the mess and pulled out his wand but Sirius beat him to it and yelled, "Petrificus Totalus".

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted and held her wand closely to James and Sirius stricken faces.

This was too much for me; I've only heard good stories about my grandfather and his best friend and almost brother Sirius. They were heroes, they fought and they were heroic. People saw them as heroes, idolized them and even told me that there was no-one who were so keen in doing right and fighting for it as Sirius was and no one as righteous and loving as James Potter the first was. Even Lily was ready to hex the living daylight out of her future husband and his best friend, my father's godfather but history books told me that my grandparents were heroes in love beyond possible but got a tragic end instead of a life filled with love. How I doubt that, James had probably cast an Unforgivable upon Lily and forced her to marry him because this was not love. The history books lied when they said that they were good all, pure, amazing and above fantastic.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighted, eyes flickering while he turned to Severus and muttered the counter-spell.  
"There you go" he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"

Severus looked ice cold but I could see so many emotions in his eyes. There were emotions like rage, shame, humiliation and frustration but he chose to speak with anger. "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked.  
I blinked.  
For a second my whole world turned black, white, blood red and poison green and I thought that I died, if not for real then a little because my heart stopped just like Lily's seemed to do when she stared at Severus.

"Fine," Lily said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus._"

But I knew by the look Severus and Lily exchanged that none of them meant what they said to each other. Severus looked stricken and Lily looked hurt but they both refused to apologize or regret their words. Severus out of pride and self-respect and Lily out of moral and obligation.

"Apologize to Evans!" James roared at Severus and his wand was pointed at him. I forgot James roll in this while I was studying Lily and Severus exchanged looks. Severus didn't even bother to raise his own wand to protect himself.

Lily however rounded James, " I don't want _you _to make him apologize," Lily shouted "You're as bad as he is."

"What?" yelped James. "I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK" Lily shouted, turned away and hurried from the scene with me following her.  
.

_  
I declare myself friendless from yesterday, May the 27th. I have no best friend, not anymore. I will never have a best friend, I couldn't believe that he dared saying that to me, that he dared to do so in front of all and for what? For helping him when nobody wanted to? For being a friend through and through? For doing right, for doing good instead of doing wrong or dark, dark and cruel magic? HIS DARK AND CRUEL MAGIC I MIGHT ADD._

_._

_  
_I heard her surname being called twice by James but she didn't care enough to look back. I turned back however, when Lily struggled with the entrance door and I saw Severus hovering by his ankles another time. It looked sickening to the contrast of this beautiful day. Lily finally got the door open and while she took sharp, rapid breaths I listened to her steps echoing against the stone floor. There was no one to be seen in the hall, most of them sitting by the lake, flying on their broomsticks, running around on the grounds or watching the twisted game James and Sirius was involved in…

Lily started to run, rapidly and without thinking twice. I followed her, quickening my steps to match up with the fifteen year old Lily's.

The voice Lily started to speak but Lily's lips weren't moving. It sounded like an audiotape playing in the halls of Hogwarts where we were running.

_  
"I only came here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."  
"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just –"_

_  
_I heard Severus voice reply with the same tone of pleading he used when knew he did something Lily didn't approve of. This scene wasn't played out here, their voices didn't fit in this content because Severus was outside being humiliated by James and Sirius and Lily ran through a corridor I recognized as the DADA corridor.

_  
"Slipped out?" _

I heard the suppressed rage but somehow it was controlled her, her voice didn't break. I understood that this was the way she wanted to fill out the memory when she put it in her secret book. We were now running up for some stairs while I waited for Severus to continue in this other memory that was playing up but he didn't say I am sorry. He didn't plead for forgiveness even, it was Lily who spoke.

_  
"It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it!" You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" _

_  
_I didn't know why but running after her, with her, made me forget all the bad feeling I had towards James, Sirius and even Severus. Especially Severus. Lily ran desperately like she was trying to hide from herself and the sunrays sneaking into the castle to show her the beauty of the summer day was disturbing her as much as it did me. There was nothing beautiful with this memory.

_  
"No – listen, I didn't mean –"  
'—to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"_

There were no more words after those and finally, after a couple of stairs, many corridors and a knock-in with a Rawenclaw girl that Lily didn't bother to excuse herself too Lily opened a door and I hurried in before she slammed it shut and turned her back to it while she caught her breath.

_._

_And I do not how he dared to camp outside my Common Room door after saying that. How he dared to show his face anywhere within a thousand meters away from me! And he didn't even say I am sorry. I. AM. SORRY.  
Well, reminder Severus I, on the other hand, am NOT sorry.  
I. AM. NOT. SORRY.  
That's not my secret thought; I could yell it in the middle of the Great Hall for all I care. _

_._

I looked around and realized that knew this bathroom vaguely, it was moaning Myrtels bathroom and you did your best to avoid this bathroom if you could. Myrtle had her way of annoying you with the tale of her tragic death while you washed your hands, slam the doors together while you tried to do your privates in the toilet but the main reason that I didn't visit was that the first time I meet Moaning Myrtle she realized that I was the daughter of Harry Potter and Ginny Potter. She got so excited and told me that I had to sit down (gesturing to the leaking toilet closest to the door) and listen to everything she had to tell me about their love story and how she was witness to the whole thing (a thing I highly doubt if Dad didn't decide to snog Mum in a lavatory). I ran away, far away and never returned to that toilet again.  
I rather wet myself.

But I was here now and with Lily nevertheless. I do not know why anyone would want to come here when feeling low but Lily however ran towards it and I have never been happier to be invisible or surreal in this world. She went to the sinks to wash her face rapidly. With both hands grabbed at each side of the sink and a wet face staring towards Lily at the mirror she mumbled four words rapidly to herself, I had to approach her to hear her out. "I will not cry."

A silence.

"Sev, why did you say that word?" Lily asked her reflection, "Potter why do you have to be such a…" her face turned to rage but it lasted only for a second. "Why Sev…?" and with that her words died out and she shut her eyes quickly and held them shut for a long time. I thought the memory would go black but it didn't.

'I. Will. NOT. Cry" Lily repeated and tried to calm herself down.

I don't know if Lily knew but her eyes were emerald green and blood red, similar to the mix of the writing in her diary and there were small tears leaving her eyes to fade into the wet mess her face was. "I will not cry." She repeated in vain.

Moaning Myrtle came hovering out of the sink Lily stood in causing Lily's face to turn from sadness to fright and Myrtle was being annoying as usual. She laughed her false, high pitched laughter towards my crying grandmother. "Oh, Poor poor smart, gifted and pretty Lily, Potter doesn't want her anymore because she is silly."

"Leave," Lily said stiffly.

"Perhaps you should leave my bathroom instead?" Moaning Myrtle replied viciously.

Lily ignored her and stared at her own reflection with the bloodshed eyes and repeated her own words desperately to herself. "I will not cry."

"Oh, but you will," said Moaning Myrtle, "because you are all alone, I heard your pleas. Severus why did you say that? Potter why are you like that? You will cry Lily because you are all alone. You have no-one left, not even that sister of yours."

Lily looked alarmed at Moaning Myrtle who smirked.

"Oh yes, I've heard you cry before, that's why you come here right. If I moan in Moanings Myrtles depressive toilet nobody will know that it's me! Clever, but this time nobody will ever be there for you so cry and someday if you're as lucky as me," Moaning Myrle paused for emphasis and smirked viciously. "You'll end up like me. Complaining, Moaning no, Loosing Lily, crying in every toilet and hiding in every sink you can!"

Myrtle was in hysteria now, laughing high pitched and fled into the broken toilet out to the pipes under the Hogwarts grounds.

Lily broke down, in front of the sink now crying her heart out and I wanted to hug her, comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That she was going to be married, that she was going to have a son, that I wanted her to be alive and that I would miss here if she left my life but how could I? I was merely a shadow in her dream just like she was in my life. I knew her deepest secrets but she didn't even know that I was named after her. I missed out on her love, her stories, her smiles and her warmth so I touched her, felt her skin warm from running but somehow melted in with her and I hugged her, tightly but I knew she didn't feel me. Not like I felt her, the fifteen year old was still alone with nobody holding her tightly so I did what I could to share her pain.

I cried.

I cried for her, for me, for her past, for her present and for her future.  
There was so many of her tears dripping all over me as I hugged her in front of the bathroom sink. They were warm and real, I felt them mixing with my own that dripped from the tip of my nose.

And there was this call, of our name, a call wanting me to come back but I couldn't leave her. I wouldn't leave her. But the call was desperate and somehow it dragged me away from the warmth of Lily to somewhere I belonged. I left her crying and the last word I heard her mumble was mudblood.

There was a pull, a pain but it went quicker for every time I entered the diary and left it, somehow I was invited finally – for real. There was a final pull and I heard my name now, crystal clear in some kind of echo.

.

"Lily," the voice yelled but I couldn't grasp that someone would call my name with that kind of terror and need. The blurry sight of him in my bathroom was because of my eyes didn't followed the words 'I will not cry'. My eyes were so tear-filled that I couldn't see anything in the mix of light, of Jacob and of clinker white so when I read the last sentence – _My secret is that I didn't let Moaning Myrtle get to me but Sev! I let him get to me despite what he said to me, despite what I might have said to him; I can't believe that he dared to make me cry. I cried for him. Lily_ -- at the beige page on the book I held in my hands, I shut it quickly and started to feel the lump growing even bigger.

"I didn't know you did all this – I thought we were going to talk and…" Jacob pleaded and I guessed he'd been looking around to find me and saw all the candles and the cold food on the kitchen table.

"I am sorry Lily, Lily please listen…" Jacob started.

_Lily, Lily, Lily._

The sound of my name, our name and the voice of pleading for forgiveness made my insides explode and expand so widely and then burst. The tears fell, rapidly, viciously and I did not know why I couldn't control it or why it got to me so badly. Jacob stretched out his arms and I bathed in the smell of dragon and men perfume, I felt safe and kept on crying.

"Lily," Jacobs voice chanted slowly and kissed the top of my head gently while we rocked.

"It's not about the pasta," I told him behind the tears and added, "But don't ask."

"I figured that much out… " Jacob assured me and didn't intrude my personal space by asking me what it was about. He kept me tight in his strong arms and I felt safe, I felt rescued and less alone. Like things were going to be okay again.

.

.

.

We were lying on top of a bed, my bed. Jacob with his arms tightly around me with only pieces of garment that was our clothes between us. The night outside was not as interesting as listening to his heartbeats pressed against my back and his breaths warming up my neck.  
It was so innocent, with Nott it was aggression, rage and stupidity but Jacob held me close almost desperately and I didn't deserve that.

"Are you up?" I whispered in the dark and I felt him nod behind my back. We hadn't shared a word since I cried, we just snuggled next to each other in my dark bedroom and it was good. Too good for me to deserve it.

"I'm sorry – for ruining tonight by crying and such," I started, "and for ruining the pasta."

I felt his lips curve into a smile towards my neck where they had been pressed.

"We should talk," I continued but my body was slowly dragging me to sleep, "Jacob, I don't deserve you."

Jacob just made a sound, a rather sleepy and sheepishly sound and kissed my neck, exactly where my tattoo was inked in and I shivered. I couldn't care less for explaining when he snuggled me in closer and grabbed every inch of me with his strong hands to warm me.

I could get used to this was the last thought I had before Jacobs lips kissed my bare neck another time and mimicked "goodnight" towards my skin.

.

.

.

* * *

**Leave a Review, make my day. A writer needs the feedback and sweetness :) **


	15. AN

*****

**SWEDISHA/N:** So, some personal info about me then. I attend this course called Multimedia A, (Media 101 in English) and I came across this term it was called **"Kill your darlings"**.  
I loathed the term because I couldn't understand _how_ you could do it. But the day came, like my teacher promised, and here I am to announce that my sweet fanfic baby The Secrets of Lily Potter is being shut down due lack of interest, time and deserving execution from my part. I will upload it someday, maybe. But for now, alas, I'm killing my sweet, sweet fanfiction darling.

I hope that those who enjoyed the story, alerted and favorite-ed it aren't too disappointed. Truth is; I'm more disappointed in not finishing it properly. I have more to learn before I write a huge chapter fic and I don't feel good about writing something bad, the couple of chapters that are left and not uploaded will inspire me perhaps but the story as we know it ended here.

Our paths will be crossed again, in one shots, in smaller chapter fics and perhaps among the reviews in _your_ stories.

Yours,  
Lily Luna _and_ Lumos Maximum.

*****


End file.
